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for rei.
one
The buildings
stood towering over us, making us seem like submissive midgets.
What
have we done to create such monsters like this? I silently mused. Overhead
the sky is but a small fragment of that vast plain. What have we done to
limit our eyes to such a small piece of freedom?
I wondered;
my cheeks stinging with the scorching sun of summer.
When
I reached the executive building, my head felt heavy. I couldn't have stood
up straight if not for the walls; and I staggered in. I hated my helplessness.
As soon
as I reached the room, I threw the door open and inside was the worried
face of my leader.
"…Hyde…..
You don't look too healthy," he said, concerned, rushing to hold me upright.
His cheeks were pink, I noted to myself. He hadn't reached here for long.
"I'm
fine." I assured, making sure that I smiled to show that I was perfectly
h-e-a-l-t-h-y. "…Tetchan, I wrote the lyrics already."
"….Finally?"
He seemed to become more interested in the song instead. I didn't mind.
Grinning,
I pulled the Notebook out of my sling-bag, and flipped it to the specific
page. He almost grabbed it from me; he was radiating with such enthusiasm.
"Tell me, what do you think."
His pupils
rolled across the page, as his brows furrowed. It seemed like he was trying
to memorise a holy scripture instead.
I waited.
There was only silence, so I enjoyed the silence while admiring his features
that were locked in concentration.
"…It…It's…"
He exclaimed, after a few moments.
"…n?"
"It's
beautiful." His cheeks were red this time. "I think I might melt
into the dynamics of the sea that surrounds me…."
"When
I wrote that, I imagined that it was you who surrounded me," I joked, wrapping
my arms around his waist. That made him blush further.
He didn't
say anything. Maybe to say anything would have been a violation of the
silence, I don't know. I thought it would have been nice if his voice had
sounded, so I kissed him. I liked the way he felt against my arms when
our lips locked.
Quite
forgetting the heat of the summer inside this air conditioned room.
I let
go of him again, because I knew that Ken and Sakura were coming. I didn't
mind that.
"Nee."
"n.?"
"Kawaii
yo."
His fingers
entwined around mine, and I didn't mind it either. In fact, I liked the
feeling of those slender ones against my short ones.
If he'd
read clearly into my lyrics, I think he would see something else in me.
I didn't know. I didn't think that he could see through me that easily,
he who didn't know what was corruption.
I thought
only Sakura knew.
But that's
what I liked about Tetsu…..
That
cuteness. That cuteness which I couldn't relate to except perhaps in a
different life, so much enforced by an innocence which made me forget myself.
Anyway
we held hands, just like that, as the moments passed.
two
Monday, 26 February 2001
6:08:38 AM
If we
forgot about time, maybe we would have stayed like that forever. Still,
Ken and Sakura came in, rather punctually. I had a habit to go much earlier
because Tetsu always reached there an hour earlier. I didn't want him to
wait alone; he didn't deserve to.
So, I
would wait with him.
His face
immediately changed whenever he saw me come in; I loved the way that smile
lit up that melancholic face. And then he'd greet me with a cheerful smile,
one that made me want to pull him close and hug him till he broke.
When
he sung, I loved the way our voices became entwined, too.
I had
learnt to let go easily, albeit with a bit of reluctance. Tetsu's smile
continued to shine; I thought he was the sun goddess or something.
We got
down to work, and then Tetsu parted together with me. I made sure he did
so; there was no events that he had later this day, so it made perfect
sense for us to go home together.
"I'm
tired, Hyde," He murmured, as soon as he got into the car.
"Let
me drive?" I suggested helpfully, but he shook his head with a suspicious
look. "Hey, I'm trying to help."
"You
could help by not driving," He giggled. Like a fluffy cotton candy stick.
"Fine,
I'll never drive again." I pretended to be offended. He simply laughed
on; he knew it when I was acting; I guessed it was the atmosphere.
We drove
past the crowded streets. Sometimes it made more sense to walk; it would
be faster than when we drove. Tetsu hummed a little tune, tapping his fingers
impatiently against the driving wheel as we waited for the cars ahead to
clear. Once we got out of the town district, we could drive with less hindrance.
I watched
with indifference as people passed by on the streets. It was starting to
get boring. I held my breath and counted to ten. Maybe I was just stressed.
"This
café is nice."
"Really?"
"Yeah!"
Tetsu grinned. I didn't understand why he had to go to every place in town
when I wasn't around. "There's a really cute waitress there."
"…..So,
I see why you go everywhere without me now," I accused.
He chuckled.
I knew he was just teasing.
By the
time we reached the stupid place, I was already bored to death. We entered
the place like usual, kicking our shoes off and switching on the lights.
Tetsu looked for the slippers which he used usually, and I pointed towards
the cupboard where I'd cleared it to earlier.
A light
of nostalgia glimmered in his eyes as he flung himself onto the bed. I
watched him, amused.
"How
many times have you moved, Hyde?"
"Thrice."
I wondered why he was asking. Not that we usually talked about such a thing.
"…when?"
"Once
when we went to Osaka, then when we came to Tokyo, then after we became
major."
"….Next
time, we'll move together again." He joked, although he sounded serious.
"Sure.
Where?"
"Somewhere."
He closed his eyes. I wondered if he knew how beautiful he was simply lying
there stretched out while forming the kanji "dai" (although he sure wasn’t
big in stature), with his eyes closed. His lips were so red that I wanted
to kiss it, and that skin was so pale, all over. Although I knew we went
for that bleach-thing some time ago, just recently.
It enhanced
his beauty, anyway. I didn't see anything wrong with it.
I mean,
I didn't see anything wrong with everything about him.
It kind
of reminded me of the first time that he'd been on my bed as well…
three
Monday, 26 February 2001
7:40:48 PM
I seldom
had reminiscences like this, but I couldn't help remembering it at that
time.
He had
been the same back at those times, just like he had been then. His hair
fell over his lovely eyes which shone like diamonds—jewels—ebony—rubies—all
of them couldn't match the spectrum that was caught and reflected in those
eyes.
The first
time I met him was when I was a vocalist in Jerusalem's Rod, via a friend.
The expression on his face had been cute; he was red and I could almost
hear his heart going "doki doki" in his chest.
It had
been a backstage, and he hadn't arrived in time for the performance. Maybe
he thought I was a girl, for when I introduced myself, he was surprised.
"….e…!?"
"hahaha," Pero had burst
into uncontrollable laughter as soon as he heard that. I glared at him,
but he continued, "Tetchan thought you are a girl!"
I hadn't
been surprised.
Before
we parted, he proposed a new idea to me.
It was
to form a band with him.
I thought
it was totally ridiculous and wondered if he was a…un, homo. What happened
later served to prove my point further, but it didn't matter anymore…
Well,
how did that happen?
I had
been drunk. Not very drunk, though, even though my mind had begun to lapse
into a maboroshi state. Maybe he had added something inside. He could have;
he served me the beer. Except that I hadn't thought of that until weeks
later.
As it
was, so was he. Dead drunk. Pero had dumped the responsibility onto me,
and left before I could shirk it. It would be inhuman to leave him outside
alone; he looked so frail and vulnerable. Watching him was like watching
a pathetically helpless girl. I decided to hurl him back, even though I
really hadn't been much better off myself.
Not knowing
where he lived, the only option that made sense was to bring him back home.
That place was ridiculously cramped for the amount of things I had inside.
It hadn't been the first time that I moved, though. It was with the help
of my parents that I had a place nearer to where all the live was with
a better transport network. Rather reluctantly, I dumped him onto the mattress
which I hadn't bothered to keep earlier, and settled down in the closet.
Then
I heard gagging sounds. He was about to puke.
My mind
protested; I was getting a horrible headache that made my head feel like
it was about to split open. Still, in order to save myself the trouble
of having to clear up later, I pulled myself up (a few hangers clattered
on me in the process and it really hurt) and made my way towards him.
My eyes
couldn't leave him since then.
He was
just lying there, a bit restlessly, a leg forming an overturned V shape.
He had slender limbs. For the first time I really noticed how tiny he was;
even though he stood taller than I did.
"…..jyo.u…bu…."
I couldn't make out what I was saying even. I thought I asked him if he
was all right.
He nodded;
he was awake. His arms reached out, so I leant forward till I hovered above
him. Then a whimpering sound was heard… It registered in my mind, so much
that it seemed like it was scalding me. I must have been drugged, even
though Tetsu couldn't have done it.
Fingers
falling short of my shoulder, he reached out again while I leaned closer.
I think
the reason why I had allowed myself to get so close was because…. He was
too beautiful right then. His skin was so pale under the brightly lit white
light, so sickly that I thought he was going to die anytime. But his lips
were glistening, and his expression was that of pain.
This
time, he pulled me down and I allowed him to do so. He whimpered again,
like a lost dog.
Beautiful.
I kissed
him. I couldn't resist it.
The way
he felt against my hands left me aching. I wasn't thinking; there wasn't
a need to think… The feeling was just there.
He was
too frail for me to hurt him, so I embraced his beauty with a gentility
that I wasn't used to. The next day, however, he had been almost broken.
He had to stay with me for a week before he could finally face the sunlight
again, although physically he was okay a few days before that week was
up.
I liked
the way he felt against my arms whenever I cuddle him…. And, he charmed
me.
When
he finally smiled, I knew I would feel empty if I didn't get to touch him
again…. Not wanting to part with him ever again, and also because I had
hurt him too much without his will—he was drunk and I was…both drunk and
horny—I told him that I would never leave him.
I never
break my promises.
After
that, I stayed by his side. Pero joined us. I met Hiro who was Tetsu's
friend, and from then onwards, we stepped into a world which glowed like
an unending twilight.
four
Tuesday, 27 February 2001
5:07:20 AM
"nnn…"
He sighed, and swung to sit up in an upright position. I liked the way
he was grinning then; I wished that time would freeze. "To earth, Hyde,
to earth!"
I chuckled.
I wanted to make a joke about him being a goddess who'd come down
to earth, but I couldn't. It just wasn't in me.
"What
are you thinking about… Hyde?"
I wished
he didn't ask, and I wished I didn't reply afterwards. "Our first time."
His face
darkened. I knew he never would have forgiven me.
"I didn't
break my promise," I raised my eyebrow. I couldn't lift up a single finger
right then.
Then
he smiled.
…He smiled.
It flooded
the room with his usual radiance, even though he seemed to feel slightly
more complex. I thought it was sadness.
"…Itsumo
hanasanakattayo." I said quietly. I liked his expression, but I hated the
way it made me feel.
…Like
I was a sinner.
…… …no,
to be more exact, it reminded me of sin. And I had a habit to relate my
own self with sin.
But his
smile was rid of that complication, and I was relieved. Same old Tetsu
again; I didn't want to lose him like a stranger. It was hard to fathom
although I was quite sure that it was simple. We had a mutual dependence
and understanding of each other, and that was all we ever needed to stay
together.
"….."
He lifted his head, and I forced myself to hold him. Once again, he fitted
comfortably into my arms; it seemed like we were custom-made for each other.
"…hanashitakunai
yo." His smiling face didn't change; instead it grew even cuddlier. Like
a big fluffy teddy. Cute… really cute.
Maybe
if he cried, my days would start to be filled with rain as well… I don't
know.
He wanted
to go home that night, and of course I didn't let him. I knew he didn't
mind it, because I didn't see that complication in his smile anymore. I
didn't see any difference in his face, even though it became tired as he
writhed and gasped against my caresses.
I would
have continued forever because I liked the way he moved so much.
He wasn't
smiling, but this was another time when I felt that he was most beautiful
in the world. Crying out, like this, helplessly. My wandering kisses couldn't
stop, until he finally couldn't stand it anymore and glistening tears slid
onto his cheeks.
I liked
them. They were like precious dewdrops.
"…Stop…
…. aa……" I didn't. I knew it was torturing for him. "…nn… aa... tor.. tormenting…"
I simply
laughed and carried on, while his hips lifted repeatedly from the white
mattress.
At last,
taking pity on his exhausted state, I pushed myself into him. He didn't
resist, and I flooded into him just as he erupted violently against the
two of us. I didn't want to leave him again this time, or to repeatedly
do it again and again until he was really worn; usually I would.
Although
I really shouldn't have in the first place, because I've hurt him too much.
five
Tuesday, 27 February 2001
6:00:14 PM
With him,
everything was perfect. In that gentle morning light—we woke at eight and
had to leave by nine-thirty—I could almost hear myself shattering away
into nothingness.
I didn't
mind, though. Because he was there.
I wished
that I could have told him everything about the lyrics which I'd written
for that new song. It was, in reality, a reflection of how I felt when
I fell asleep into the darkness of the night. I had a dream about water;
it was vague, but I remembered the ambience clearly.
It reminded
me of him, although I didn't think that Tetsu could have been anything
but cute, lovely, healthy, bouncy.
Which
was why I really liked him so much; he… He always made me forget about
how dirty I was.
Don't
tell him that. He'd laugh.
Actually,
he wouldn't laugh. I just don't want him to know.
We went
to work again; of course we waited together this time.
The truth
was, I couldn't find a piece of happiness in me as long as I sat down quietly
by myself, and that it could have been the same for him too.
I knew
that my existence was a sin….
We've
talked about it before, somehow.
What
I remembered even more clearly than the conversation was the intensity
that the wind blew against us both. I watched his hair being lifted by
the wind, into the direction of the sea. It made him seem even more delicate,
until I thought he would disappear any moment.
We sat
on the rocks. Tetsu's hands were rested behind him, and one of mine overlay
his.
We started
to talk, about some random things. I forgot what it was. I think it was
the TV serial which I hadn't watched. Some time ago, really. When I watched
an episode, I was glad that I never wasted my time on it before and decided
that I was never going to waste any time on it later.
Something,
however, glimmered in his eyes whenever he looked at the sea. We lapsed
into silence some more; not that I minded it. With him, silence could have
expressed more words because I felt so comfortable. He was just there,
and so was I.
"…tetchan."
"nnn?"
"The
waves…" I gestured towards it; he looked down as well.
"….."
He waited for me to continue.
"….never
mind," I decided that I didn't know what I wanted to say. It just reminded
me of something, and I didn't even know what it was. Maybe it reminded
me of punishment.
His eyebrows
were raised as he looked gently into my eyes. I knew that he was trying
to read something from my mind. Maybe he could do it, but he never voiced
it. Usually he would just wrap his warm fingers around mine, and I didn't
have to worry about anything anymore. "……I think…" He started.
I was
surprised that he said anything, and this time I held his hand instead.
He allowed me, rather graciously though uncomfortably so. I didn't know
what was on his mind right then.
He laughed.
"I'm such an idiot, I forgot what I was going to say."
I knew
he wanted to say something.
I knew
him too well to not know that.
"……chigau…"
I murmured. "Chigau…!"
He froze
in shock. Maybe the feeling that I had was right, after all. He… there's
more to him than that.
I wanted
to tell him that I knew it perfectly as well, like he always told me with
his eyes. It was because I was used to expressing more than that; I couldn't
express anything without words. I knew that he felt it as strongly as I,
though, for his lips curled to form a wistful smile.
It was
him.
It was
so him that it scared me.
Not the
usual Tetsu that I knew, but it was even more him than what I usually knew.
I had a hunch that this was the Tetsu whom I always loved, although
his usual self always saved me.
"…God…"
I muttered. Deciding that I sounded like an idiot while not knowing why
suddenly that notion came to me, "Do you believe in God?"
He smiled.
I thought it was the answer; there was only one.
"Me neither."
I chuckled, wondering if he could see the sadness in my eyes like
I could always see his.
His eyes
twinkled, beckoning me. I knew that when I was voicing myself, I was probably
voicing him as well.
"….Because
I'm a sinner." Because I don't deserve to believe in a paradise. So
many people don't, anyway….
He parted
his lips to protest, but I shut him up with a kiss. I didn't want to hear
about it at all.
The wind
still blew so strongly.
Then,
I buried my head into his chest. I guessed he knew enough. But still, something
reigned in the silence. Something that was too much like Tetsu, the Tetsu
whom I never knew.
When
it was finally time to let go, I did.
When
I gazed at him one last time, his eyes twinkled again. Not cheerily, while
he whispered softly, "If you are a sinner… What am I?"
I blinked.
"…na..n..nande…?"
He laughed,
tucking his tousled hair behind his ears. I didn't hear anymore words from
him on the way back to the car.
six
Tuesday, 27 February 2001
12:09:40 AM
I never
really thought of it, because it didn't matter.
Not to
our situation at that time, I mean. There would always be times when we
felt different—violated—sad, whatever, but when we were together, it really
just was the only thing that I truly cared about.
I liked
him; it was a little more than that.
To be
more precise, I thought I was starting to love him.
Actually,
I was right. I did love him, now that I think of it. I still do.
I liked
his innocence, his radiance, but I also liked the part of him that was
submerged so deep in darkness that I couldn't reach it.
I didn't
try to reach it anyway; I didn't think I could. He wouldn't have let me
either.
Still,
if I had tried, we would have gone a different route. He would still be
in my arms today.
The song
came out in Heavenly. I could sing it with all my soul, just like the rest.
No, perhaps a bit more than the rest. It didn't matter to me what kind
of music we were making, really, because it was our music all the same;
nothing did change even though our tactics changed.
What
really made it not matter was the fact that I was able to be with Tetsu.
I believed he felt the same, because he had given me the opportunity to
fly with him… While he watched over me with that smile, protecting me from
the storms ahead.
Two days
after the Heavenly Release Celebration (I recuperated from the alcohol,
and somehow Tetsu never drank even though he was in euphoria just like
the rest of us. As usual, it made me feel more remorse even though the
previous incident was so damn behind us.), when we were on the verge
of planning for the Heavenly Tour, Sakura dropped by. Tetsu happened to
be there, but because Sakura was soaked from the rain, I couldn't have
driven him away without a valid reason.
So, I
opened the door and let him in. Tetsu was hidden in the room; I was irritated.
Sakura sure had a weird timing.
Finally
deciding that our rakuen had been destroyed, Tetsu put on some pyjamas
(he kept extra clothes over at my place ever since I moved here. It was
just his nature.) and came out into the living room to wait for Sakura
with me.
Sakura
emerged with a towel wrapped around his waist, and Tetsu uncomfortably
shifted across the sofa. The former didn't say a thing; he stared at me,
as if he was waiting for me to do something.
"Want
cocoa?" I murmured.
Sakura
grinned, "That's my boy."
I shot
him a mock-glare, and he slumped back against the sofa.
What
happened next I did not know, but I had been careless and spilled hot water
onto my finger. Sucking it in pain, I decided to go back and make Sakura
feel guilty by showing it to him. I shouldn't have went back, for I heard
low whispers in the living room. Sakura was leaned against Tetsu's shaking
form, his mouth beside Tetsu's ear.
When
he moved away, Tetsu's eyes were glazed with a dull sorrow. Sakura chuckled,
running his fingers through those red strands of hair.
My eyes
widened and I flattened myself against the wall, hoping to catch whatever
happened next. My senses were strained and my back was aching; my finger
had lost its existence to me.
"……….blame
me…" Tetsu's voice. "…doesn't matter…."
I couldn't
hear what he was saying; the house had really bad acoustics. Sakura leaned
closer to him and pressed his lips against Tetsu's cheek. "…Then, I'll
see you on Friday."
Sakura's
eyes cast in my direction, and in a flurry I dashed back inside the kitchen.
I hadn't
been a good actor back then, I guess.
seven
Wednesday, 28 February 2001
5:48:27 AM
Tetsu
was hugging himself when I reappeared after deciding that my finger was
of no matter after all. My heart felt like it was going to burst when I
saw him like that, but I didn't have the strength to confront Sakura. He
had this nonchalant look on his face and I knew that even if I did, he
would not be responding.
"Here's
your cocoa," I said, not looking at him.
He didn't
seem to mind, "thanks, Hachan," and began sipping his cocoa happily. I
wondered if he knew how hurt Tetsu was; I could feel it radiating
from him.
Suddenly
it struck me that I might not have wanted to know what it was. Sakura stared
at me with a confused expression on his face, perhaps wondering why I was
standing there like an idiot.
"You
wanna sit down, Hachan?" He patted the seat beside him.
I nodded
dumbly, when he suddenly pulled me down as if he had gotten impatient.
Tetsu giggled; I was surprised that he did, and felt safer.
"You!"
I accused, slapping Sakura hard on the shoulder.
"Itteee!"
He laughed, rubbing his shoulder. He must have felt the pain, because my
hand was stinging from the impact. He eyed Tetsu, "Hachan is strong, naa."
Tetsu
burst into more giggles. I wondered if he was nuts, until he finally looked
at me with an amused expression. I knew what he was thinking, "Tetchan
idiot!"
"You
are strong…" His eyes twinkled. Like stars. "…and have a
good stamina."
"But
that's good for you, nee?" I teased.
All this
while, Sakura stared at us with an indifferent face. Tetsu noticed it first,
for he froze a little and balled his hands into fists while lifting his
head so that his fringe fell from his eyes.
Something
definitely happened; I could feel it in my guts.
Tetsu
smiled to indicate that everything was fine, but from the way he did, I
could tell that he knew.
He knew
that I felt it. I felt it coming from him even if he didn't speak.
Sakura
didn't leave us that night. I made sure that Tetsu and I slept in the same
room, and that Sakura stayed else where. I wanted to watch over him and
make sure that Sakura didn't hurt him, but I saw that as he fell asleep,
his brows were furrowed and his lips pale.
Suddenly
I felt a hatred towards Sakura, one which I couldn't really fathom.
As I
lay beside him with my arms wrapped around him, I felt a deep feeling overwhelming
me, and I couldn't place my finger exactly on what it was.
Perhaps
it had been a foreboding sense, or perhaps….
It was
an urge to protect him before he fell into pieces.
The next
day was Thursday, and Tetsu refused to tell me what was going on by the
end of it. We were going on the tour next week; our managers had done all
the preparation and we were busy practising. There had been no real obstacles
towards the band's things, but Tetsu had somehow lost a bit of life.
That
was, through my eyes.
I held
him closer that night, because I didn't want him to leave me.
There
was one reason why I never broke my promises. One was that I hardly made
promises, and the other was that… I only made them to people who mattered
to me.
…I didn't
want to break my promise, because it was a promise with him.
eight
Wednesday, 28 February 2001
12:27:31 AM
When he
said goodbye, he wore his usual smile and headed away.
I figured
that since most likely Sakura and he will be going out together later,
I had better pretend to not know anything. I didn't want him to worry.
I watched
from afar as Tetsu approached the dark figure who stood leaned against
the lamp post.
He greeted
him, and Sakura acknowledged him without any expression.
They
walked along the streets, not knowing as I followed them. I felt so gigantic
even then; they could just glance at my direction and they'd see me. But
they didn't. I was just lucky, I guess. There wasn't anything suspicious
about the way they were acting; Tetsu didn't wear his smile as much around
Sakura, as usual. And Sakura treated him with the same nonchalant gentleness
that he treated everybody with.
Then,
they saw a movie. I hadn't been there in time to get a ticket; it was obvious
that they had gotten it much earlier in advance. Realizing that it would
be ridiculous to stand out there in the scorching summer night and let
my brains be baked (I wasn't a tropical animal), I decided to go back,
locate my car, and drive home.
I didn't
know where they went afterwards. I called Tetsu to see if he was around,
but he left the mobile phone off. I didn't bother leaving a message.
It was
probably better that way; I figured, as I rested my head tiredly onto the
pillow and stared up at the white ceiling.
I had
a habit of self-denial.
The next
day I arrived early again, and I saw him there as usual. He seemed to be
expecting me. It wasn't the same as usual, because normally he would just
wait in assurance—not for me, because it was certain that I would come.
He giggled
when he saw my face, and remarked, "It's red."
I rolled
my eyes, "It's summer, and I just hiked here."
"I told
you that it would be more convenient to park it nearer," He replied, resting
a cool hand against my forehead.
"Yes,
mom," I stuck my tongue out, and he laughed. "You didn't tell me if you
were fetching me home today, or else I could have gone by with Matsushita's
car."
"Then
I'll fetch you home today, son." He grinned, withdrawing his hand. It immediately
travelled towards his own hair, and he brushed a bunch of red strands behind
his back. I wondered if he knew how feathery light his hair seemed; they
flowed so much.
"I'll
have to leave the car there overnight again," I complained.
"Everyone
does that," He remarked pointedly. I rolled my eyes, setting my rather
empty backpack down onto the small cupboard that sat beside the amplifiers.
He smiled at this, and continued jokingly, "Even the Great Car Lover, me."
I stiffened.
He never left his car anywhere; he adored that shiny red convertible too
much. Then I remembered that he had went with Sakura immediately after
practice.
"…e…?"
He seemed to sense that something was wrong, for his confused expression
returned again. Then it grew troubled in a flash.
I couldn't
heave the amount of moping that I had yesterday onto him, so I simply pulled
him closer, to lay my head against his shoulder. Whenever I did that, things
always became fine….
There
was only silence as he returned this gesture, and suddenly my heart was
on the verge of breaking.
I didn't
know why, though.
Not at
that time.
nine
Monday, 05 March 2001 6:11:02
PM
The second
time he ditched me was a week after another celebration of The Other Side
of Heavenly. Not exactly ditch—no one could call his gentle refusal ditching.
He said that he had something ongoing, and so I took no notice. Not wanting
to stay at home alone since I had mood swings once in a while, I decided
to invite Sakura over. He was the only one whom I could really relate to
even though we spoke nothing of our really personal lives.
Actually,
you could call him my soul mate. It seemed like he knew what I was thinking
about even when he was only voicing his views.
He did it more easily than I, but only to me. It was almost as if our thoughts
were at pace.
Anyway,
I decided to invite him over, but he had something on too. Needing a reason
and wanting to put two and two together, I put Tetsu and Sakura together,
and that troubled me again. I didn't know what I could do or how I could
prove it to myself, because I was probably just kidding myself and it would
make Tetsu very sad.
Still,
I wasn't in the mood to sit down and mope, so I decided to get up and investigate.
I had no idea where else other than Tetsu himself to start. So I followed
them again.
I remembered
how I felt when I stole the first piece of animal-shaped biscuit from the
plastic jar as a child.
And I
remembered how I felt after I grew sober when I first made love to Tetsu.
There
was this beating in my chest that stirred up these reminiscences. Frankly,
I was scared. I guess maybe I was scared that I would discover that Tetsu
was with Sakura or something. That conversation which I'd overheard really
didn't help.
I followed
Tetsu as he left the building. Somehow I knew I couldn't tackle Sakura
alone. And if Tetsu found out, I believed that I could a) sidle my way
out of it, or b) make him forgive me. So, it was going to end up fine,
as long as what I saw wasn't convincing enough to make me think that Tetsu
was with anyone else.
Once
again, I fell a few metres behind him, while he walked on without knowing
of my presence. I traced him as he stopped by a shophouse to buy a bunch
of bananas, and followed as he whistled his way to a familiar building.
Sakura was inside; it was a café and probably he liked it there.
I didn't know how long they were going to be there, and neither did I want
to go in, so I located a record shop and stayed there, noticing with disaffection
that one of the girls were blushing like mad and evaded me. I was quite
noticeable; damn.
When
I finally lifted my head from the records and decided to head towards a
nearby news-stand, I saw that Sakura and Tetsu were feeding on cakes happily.
That made me scowl, until Tetsu noticed me outside and looked so delighted
as he waved at me.
I decided
that it was ridiculous to stand out there and went in sheepishly. The waitress
greeted me and I gave a polite nod after making my way towards their table.
"Out
shopping?" Tetsu grinned. It sickened me to see his smile so bright.
"Un,
I was just looking for a record," I lied and hoped that my nose wouldn't
grow long.
Sakura
stared at me a little, but burst into a friendly grin. "I didn't know you
liked shopping. Anyway, it's nice to see you here. Say, what do you wanna
eat? We haven't ordered yet."
I winced
at hearing the way he said 'we', but perhaps I had been too sensitive.
"…I dunno. Is it on you?"
Hearing
that, Tetsu giggled.
"I'm
paying for anyone else here except you," He teased, and I pouted.
I ended
up ordering steak, ice cream and iced tea, and Sakura ended up paying for
everything. I still couldn't let go of the guilt that lingered in my mind,
the guilt that resurfaced when I saw Tetsu's smile. I guessed it was because
I remembered myself of a childish kid who couldn't stand having to share
his crayons.
ten
Monday, 05 March 2001 7:10:41
PM
I went
home immediately after that.
The whole
day I let myself sink into the sofa while my brain mutated with the set
of videos that I'd borrowed. Everyone had been ranting about it, but I
fell asleep halfway.
When
I woke up, the screen was a blank of blue light. I stretched and decided
that it would probably had been more comfortable if I slept on the bed
instead, then it occurred to me that I didn't brush my teeth. So, I plodded
into the bathroom with hopes that my teeth hadn't melted from the stinking
breath, and brushed. I had a habit to look into the mirror, because I wanted
to make sure that the froth didn't overflow from my mouth. It was a habit
that I'd acquired at the time when I stayed with Tetsu; it was because
I didn't want him to be disgusted. Since then, I developed a better brushing
habit.
It was
just one of the minor habits, really.
Another
was to change into the bathrobe when I got out of the bath. …Oh, you know
the reason. And even he was not there, it turned into a habit and I wore
it around the house.
One significant
change, though, I didn't think that even Tetsu himself realised. I hadn't,
until I thought about it carefully, too. I liked cute things because he
liked them. I developed a detached interest for shopping and Gundam, because
he liked them. I even discovered the wonders of fashion magazines
because he liked them. Heck, I even volunteered to sit through
the movie Le Ciel because he had wanted me to watch it for days, but thank
god he was over it by that time, or else…….
Well,
to not show my affection anywhere even if the feeling overwhelmed me… I
supposed it was only right. But how could I have conveyed to anyone that
I only felt complete when Tetsu was beside me, when he was in my arms,
when he was smiling at only me? Even if I did, no one would have understood.
I didn't
tell Sakura. I never told him before.
Neither
did I tell Tetsu himself, no matter what.
After
I brushed my teeth and bathed, I plopped onto my bed and slept.
I had
a dream of Tetsu.
And when
I woke up, he wasn't there, of course.
It was
the first time that I felt true loneliness engulfing me….
We were
supposed to discuss and design some stuff that we were going to release
for Christmas. It wasn't Tetsu's idea really; our company told us that
it would be nice if we could release a gift box of some sort, and wrote
a proposal for us.
So, we
ended up stuck with the proposal with a couple of art technicians to work
with.
Tetsu
had some more things to cope with, and we each had magazine interviews
which took up some of our time. There was also publicity which Tetsu had
to see too, and I ended up going home earlier. Whenever we were supposed
to release something, it became like this.
But this
time, it was different. I guessed it was because Tetsu was more worn out
than ever.
And I
appreciated him more.
Once
I arrived even earlier than he did. When he came in with eye bags underneath
his lovely eyes, there was nothing else that I wanted to do but kiss them
gently, as if I could make him feel better simply by doing so.
What
made me treasure him so much I didn't know, I mean it hadn't been all of
a sudden that I'd realised it. It took me nights of brooding and more of
waiting for him early morning.
I wanted
to make him feel better somehow, but I didn't know exactly how. Maybe one
day, if I gave him a pleasant surprise, he would really appreciate it…
I could just picture his face lighting up as soon as he saw that gift.
But,
I couldn't figure out what was so special that it was worthy enough for
me to give to him.
eleven
06 March 2001 12:56:01 AM
I figured
that since he liked cleanliness and that he was complaining that he hadn't
enough time to clean his house, I would go and clean it for him. But first,
I needed the key. He never gave me a set of his house keys, and neither
have I. The feeling of being intruded upon didn't appeal to both of us,
even if we were the best of lovers.
Having
realised that I needed it, I decided to steal it. It proved to be no problem
for me as I simply brought the same wallet as his (I knew where he bought
it from, because we were on a shopping trip which I'd been lamenting about).
I replaced his with mine, came back with the "realisation" that it wasn't
mine, and by then his house keys were gone.
That
night he came over to my house because he didn't have his keys, and by
that time I already had a copy made. Complaining that I must have taken
it by mistake, he made me search for his keys until I found it.
I made
up for it with my own ways that night.
The next
day both of us went to the studio together, exhausted. Once again we were
waiting with each other. We were scheduled for photo shoot that day,
and to my discomfort, I was let go later than expected since I'd done my
set later. When I called Tetsu, it didn't get through. He was probably
busy, so I had some hope.
Immediately
I drove over to Tetsu's house, and even hummed a tune as I went up the
elevator. There was a pretty elevator girl. I smiled at her, and for a
moment I thought she realised who I was. It wouldn't have mattered anyway;
she'd probably gotten used to Tetsu's appearance.
Full
of anticipation, I pushed the key in and turned. It went in easily; I was
such a genius.
What
I liked about that place was that… It was so Tetsu. I liked the plain unadorned
walls and the usual jar of flowers which sat on the shoe rack. Not wanting
him to know that I'd been there, I sneaked my shoes in. For once, I regretted
wearing boots. I hid them behind the display shelf where the TV sat, and
immediately I wondered where he had kept his vacuum cleaner. I found it
in the storeroom, but decided that it would probably have been better if
I wiped everything else first. Wait, that would take too much job. Maybe
I should dust the rug…
So, I ended up picking up the rug and heading towards the window with the
feather duster. It was the first time I ever dusted a rug, and it made
me sneeze.
Deciding
that I didn't like cleaning as much as the freak-drummer from Die in Cries,
I decided to see if there was anything in Tetsu's room which I could do.
My original
meaning hadn't been to spy, really. I had a good will. I'd gotten over
spying when all Tetsu did was to smile at me.
The moment
the door opened to form a slight crack, I felt as if something was misplaced.
That sound only came from the time when I caressed Tetsu, and that smell
reminded me of something familiar.
Tetsu…
Was with someone else.
twelve
06 March 2001 1:19:00 AM
It was
like the time when I'd frozen when I'd heard Sakura talk to Tetsu that
day.
I simply
stood there, my limbs like lead, while my eyes searched frantically for
an escape. In the end, I couldn't tear my gaze away from them. It just
fixed there.
This
black-haired man… Was on top of my Tetsu.
…And
it had been the same antagonist as that time.
For a
moment there was nothing but silence. I wasn't shattered right then; I
felt like I was dreaming. I mean, this couldn't be true. Tetsu would smile
at me and snap me from my daydream, telling me, "To earth, Hyde, to earth!"
As it
was, I simply stood there like a dummy. Then when reality sank in, I finally
realised what I was seeing, I mean really seeing.
Tetsu.
Was. Being. Violated. By. Sakura.
Like
that… In front of me.
It hit
me hard when it did swing, and I thought I had shattered. I was almost
afraid that they would hear that loud crack of my existence, but they didn't
look up.
When
I calmed down more than that, to analyse them both with a new mindset,
I realised that on Tetsu's face wasn't the usual expression that he had
when he shared the same bed with me.
No… He
had this smile on his face, as if he was finally being set free.
And Sakura
wore the smile of degradation.
I almost
couldn't comprehend it right then, and I needed to think. I didn't think
they could have stopped even if they knew I was there; it was like a holy
ritual.
When
Tetsu moaned, it was my name.
His mind
was on me. And he didn't know that I was there.
It was
then that I broke away while trying not to make a sound. They didn't know.
I couldn't have stopped them.
I located
my boots, threw my feet in, unlocked the door, closed it, and then fled
from that place. I didn't return the elevator girl's smile this time; I
hadn't even thought that she existed.
My mind
was a shade of blank for the rest of that day, and I couldn't even pick
myself up to do the simplest of things. I simply walked back to my place
and threw myself onto the sofa. I didn't like the bed anymore, because
it reminded me of him.
When
words did escape my mind's lips, it was a simple "why?".
And then,
more came pouring out.
Like
why did he allow Sakura to… And, why did he smile like that? Even worse…
Why did he call my name…?
I couldn't
figure it out.
I just
couldn't. I mean, here was your typical Best Friend Sleeps with Girl Friend
drama. They probably loved each other, so it wouldn't have been surprising
if Tetsu had called Sakura's name instead. If he had, then I would have
said, fine, I lost and I lost badly. I would have just told myself to hate
them both until I could find a new girl and they didn't deserve me anyway.
Even
after a long time, I still couldn't figure it out, at least not that part.
He never
smiled like that when he was with me…
It wasn't
such an emotional enjoyment for him, I guess.
Not like
it was with Sakura? Was that the reason that he'd betrayed me?
And
Sakura had that expression… I hadn't seen that for years,
ever since the last time he slept with another of my girl and I confronted
him. I hadn't cared that much back then; I just hated him for some time.
But I had Tetsu back then…
What spooked
me most was that it was like… Like he actually enjoyed it.
Enjoyed
it because he was hurting someone….
But,
how could Tetsu bear that charming smile and… ..still…. Call my
name……?
thirteen
Tuesday, 06 March 2001 9:46:35
PM
I didn't
want to speak to him the next day. I didn't even want to see him the next
day, but we still had some photo shoots to complete and I didn't want to
drag everyone else in with my problem. I wished that I could lie and tell
them that I was sick, but I couldn't. I didn't have any dream that night,
but I woke up with a really bad feeling in my stomach.
I went
anyway. I went early because I couldn't help it.
He was
sitting there, draped horizontally across the sofa while reading a bunch
of papers. He had his reading glasses on; he was so sickeningly cute when
he wore them.
"….Hacchan,"
His eyes were so lovely as he grinned at me. It disgusted me to see how
rejuvenated he was.
"You…"
I couldn't think of a suitable name to call him; it all didn't seem harsh
enough. I just couldn't. And I didn't know what to say, even with all the
resolutions and confrontations that I'd thought up earlier. Resignedly,
"…fuck."
"….Hyde?"
He blinked, his brows slowly furrowing. His smile had disappeared; I allowed
a slightly sadistic smile creep across my lips.
"Why…?"
I murmured. He was so beautiful; I couldn't help tracing my fingers across
his cheeks until I touched his lips.
He backed
away cautiously upon realising that I wasn't my usual self. "…What…. What
happened…?"
"……You."
I finally breathed, as he was backed against the wall, "You betrayed
me."
His eyes
were large and innocent as he stared at me. I wished that I could tear
him apart; I wished that I could tear this façade apart and…
and… and what? What…? "…….I…?"
"You
ask?" I wondered if I sounded hurt enough. I took in a deep breath
and started, hoping that I wouldn't have to say anymore and I could just…
blame him, "I was at your house yesterday."
His eyes
widened. "….What…..?"
I smirked;
he was finally getting the hint. I began to feel twisted, but it was satisfying.
"Would you care to explain?"
His bright
pupils were dulled over by a shadow as he lowered them. "…I…I'm sorry,
Hyde…"
"You're
sorry? That's all you have to say?" It was downright ridiculous.
He nodded
while looking away.
The sound
that my hand made upon contact with his cheek was really sharp. I hadn't
expected it to echo like that. His expression didn't change… Why couldn't
he had said something else to change my mind?! I hissed, "…Tetsu…You're
a slut."
"…If
you could sleep with those women, I don't see why I can't sleep with Sakura."
"What?!"
I pinned him to the wall this time. He tried to wrestle me away, but I
didn't let his wrists budge. "Then explain… Explain why! Explain why you
smiled like that when you were with him…. You love him, don't you! You've
been lying to me, haven't you?! What do you want me for? So that I would
stay in your fucking band because we can't afford to break up?"
I was
breathing hard when his struggling ceased. His eyes stared through me as
if I was glass; it was as if he'd given up.
…As if
I've nailed through his heart. "…So, it's true?"
fourteen
Tuesday, 06 March 2001 10:48:25
PM
I didn't
know what I would have done.
I mean,
really done.
"…..If
you say it's true, then it's true." He smiled back at me. It reminded me
of a certain emotion… An emotion that was conjured by guilt.
No, to
be more specific, guilt of sin. Not just of committing a single crime,
but sin so great that you couldn't measure it with how many deeds you've
done.
"……so…?"
"I…"
I wondered if he knew how many grey days had flooded over my heart. I wondered
if he knew at all how much he was hurting me. I wondered if he had truly
placed me at such a lowly level…. "I hate you."
"It doesn't
matter…" He whispered, his eyes flooding with tears. "It doesn't matter
anymore…"
Suddenly
I didn't know. I just didn't know why things were turning out this way;
I'd been holding him so blissfully just one day ago. I didn't know how
can it not matter when he came so close to my heart, came so close to touching
it. I just didn't know….
Had he
only been bounded to me because I'd made that stupid promise?
…Because
of one stupid night of mistake?
"….If
it doesn't matter anymore…" I let go of him. I didn't want to hurt him;
if I was there any longer, I would. I simply would. "Then it's over. Your
dream of conquering is over."
He slumped
against the wall limply.
My smile
grew cold; I couldn't differentiate myself from an animal and a human being.
"….I hate you."
I picked
up my bag, threw the door open, and made my way out. It wasn't when I'd
reached the corridor that tears had begun to fall; I was glad that I had
arrived so much earlier because I didn't want to let Sakura or Ken see
me crying.
I expected
him to call me and apologise to me, to persuade me to go back to L'Arc~en~Ciel—his
band—and to tell me that he wasn't serious when he'd been with Sakura.
I expected to tell him that I hated him once more, and that I would go
back because I didn't want to drag anyone else into our personal dispute.
I admit
that I had brought that in to hurt him.
…I didn't
know that he would take it seriously.
But…
It was
probably true.
He didn't
love me. His reaction was proof enough.
Well,
it didn't hurt to dream. Just like it hadn't hurt to dream when I held
him close every night and looked forward to the next gig that our
band was going to perform. We only suffered drawbacks years later.
Just
like how I suffered from withdrawal of hoping when reality came crashing
in.
…He didn't
care.
At all.
I reflected
upon the band; I figured that he couldn't replace me without losing a whole
bunch of fans. I figured that he knew it as well. I figured that we would
all lose our jobs when I went away.
What
I didn't figure was that… He really didn't care.
As my
mind replayed the earlier scene again and again, it suddenly dawned to
me that perhaps, he did care.
It was
because I remembered that expression that was on his face at the beach…
The other time. Our "sinners talk" time.
Suddenly
it dawned upon me that he, being the "mature" idiot that he was, had taken
it all onto himself…. With what? I didn't know. I was going to call Sakura…
If he could make any sense out of what he had done with Tetsu, I
figured that it would be all fine.
fifteen
Tuesday, 06 March 2001 11:17:21
PM
I did
call Sakura.
He sounded
horrible. He told me that it would be better if I met him straight and
spoke to him in the face, so I went over to his house. He lived in an apartment
like Tetsu's, except that it was about as cluttered as my room and he cleaned
it less frequently than I did with mine.
…And
he didn't own any umbrellas because he thought it was redundant when it
didn't rain everyday. He didn't have to worry because he only fell sick
once last year, and it was in the holidays.
He greeted
me without any enthusiasm, and I returned the gesture in the same manner.
I wasn't looking forward to the conversation. We settled down onto the
sofa in awkward silence.
"….You
and Tetsu…" I started after figuring that someone had to start it.
"Want
any coffee?" He offered, getting up. I nodded resignedly. I hadn't slept
properly last night.
He came
back with two white mugs in hand, and began sipping on his share as soon
as he'd sat down. Both of us resumed that silence, until he finally heaved
a sigh and stared straight at me, with that… smirk on his face.
"I've
heard," He told me. "Have you and Tetsu spilt up?"
"…."
I grew angry. "Is that all you can ask?! You slept with him. And
you heard him call my name. So you had a clue on our relationship?"
Sakura's
expression didn't change. Instead, he looked as if he enjoyed everything.
"I know. He loves you, not me. And you love him, don't you?"
"Then……"
I thought I was going to cry once more. But I didn't. I was too angry to
be weak in front of him. "Then why the hell did you--?!"
"Because
he needs me," He cooed, looking nonchalantly into my face. "Why, are you
jealous?"
"He needs
you?…" I murmured, and then I was over the edge. I couldn't think as I
jumped onto him and pushed him onto the sofa, and as I punched him heavily
in the nose. It must have hurt a lot, because he fought back.
Anyway,
I lost.
He let
go of me when he saw that it hurt me to move—to even breathe for god's
sake—and wiped my face for me.
"Fuck
off," I told him once the pain in my ribs subsided and I made my way to
the door to open it. "Fuck you. I'll speak to Tetsu myself."
"You're
always welcome," He replied with a grin as I slammed the door in his face.
My wrist
was hurting too much for me to drive. Ken's house was nearer than mine
anyway, so I had a reason to stop there. I couldn't have stopped by Tetsu's
house, though it was even nearer.
He greeted
me with a shocked face as he mothered me carefully. Elizabeth stared up
at me while I smiled, said hi, and played with it a bit. Ken disappeared
to get me a basin of water and some medicine.
"Did
you fight with Tetsu?" He asked worriedly.
"Do you
think Tetsu could have hurt me this badly?" I snorted.
"No."
I lifted
the water to my face carefully while Elizabeth scrambled away.
"But…"
He started. I knew that he felt the depth of the dangerous waters already.
"You and Tetsu…."
"There's
nothing else to say," I snapped. I didn't want him nagging me; I needed
to think. No, I needed to keep my mind blank so that it wouldn't feel as
bruised as my body did.
"It's
affecting the band, Hyde," He whispered. That was all he could say, but
from the way his chest heaved, I could tell that it wasn't the only thing
he wanted to say.
sixteen
Tuesday, 06 March 2001 11:50:20
PM
I decided
to stay at Ken's place. He insisted since I was injured, and I didn't mind
his mothering so long as he kept his mouth shut about Tetsu. He did, and
it helped a whole bunch because my vision was really fuzzy and I couldn't
make my way to the toilet. Heck, I almost stepped on Elizabeth's tail and
Ken saved me in time.
When
we were all settled down and ready to fall asleep, I stared at the unfamiliar
ceiling while Ken slept on the floor beside me.
No one
could have understood how much my heart hurt and how I cried when I thought
that Ken wasn't looking because he was asleep.
But when
I looked up, his face hovered above mine, and he looked so kind as he wiped
my tears away for me. He understood what was going on.
"You'd
better make everything clearer, Hyde…."
I shook
my head.
"Then…"
He sighed. "Do you know how I joined the band back then?"
I looked
up at him. We all knew that he had quit university and had a row with his
relatives for two years or so before they finally forgave him.
"It was
because of Tetsu."
"….I
know," I shut my eyes.
"You
don't," He whispered. "It's because he's so weak he couldn't protect himself
if he wanted. Do you know what really haunted him all along?"
"…..Being
raped?" I supplied, not very helpfully.
He giggled.
"Being guilty of something. I promised him not to tell you, so I wouldn't."
"Fuck,
Ken." I realised that I'd been cursing a lot recently. Not that I cared.
"Eh?"
"You
know more than I do."
"Don't
be jealous," he grinned. He resembled Elizabeth especially under such dim
moonlight. "You need an extra blanket?"
"No thanks,"
I murmured. Ken was kind, and I could understand why he and Tetsu were
such good friends. How could I not be jealous, when he knew Tetsu better
than I did? But he was kind, and that really helped.
I woke
up to find myself staring into Tetsu's face.
Then
I went back to sleep again, because I thought I was dreaming… But he really
was there. When I pulled him down so that he was snuggled in my arms, I
could feel his warmth. It felt so good, so right.
But within
a while, my shirt was dampened.
Finally
realising that something was wrong, because he was shaking and I could
hear choked whimpers coming from him, I let go of him and held his shoulders.
"Why
are you crying?" I asked, worried.
"….I
don't deserve your care," He whispered, shutting his eyes tightly. It was
then that everything flooded back into my consciousness, and I meant everything.
"You
do," I told him. I understand perfectly, Tetsu. Because I'm as much
of a sinner as you are.
"…You
don't understand," His shoulders shook even more. He was so frail, like
a leaf trembling in the wind.
"I love
you, Tetsu."
"No….!"
He cried even harder. I couldn't understand why, and suddenly it hurt me
to hold him even. "…You… You can't…."
"…Why?"
"I… I'm
the dirtiest thing that's ever existed, Hyde…."
seventeen
Wednesday, 07 March 2001
12:14:52 AM
"I love
you, Tetsu."
"No….!"
He cried even harder. I couldn't understand why, and suddenly it hurt me
to hold him even. "…You… You can't…."
"…Why?"
"I… I'm
the dirtiest thing that's ever existed, Hyde…."
"…..You're
not," I whispered. "You… You saved me, for god's sake."
"…I hurt
you…… You were right, Hyde. You were right… I'm a slut." His eyelids fluttered
open as he shoved me aside, but I grabbed his hand as soon as he tried
to flee.
"…Then…
Why are you crying?" I pulled him down so that he leaned onto me. "…I don't
believe that you'd cry if you were a slut."
His voice
cracked. "I used you."
"And
I let myself be used."
"It's
not that…." He tried to make his voice louder, but it continued to sound
so pained. "Do you remember that night when both of us were drunk…? Do
you know that it was a tactic that I used to make you form a band with
me? I dissolved some drug in your drink, Hyde. I pretended to be drunk;
no one really gets drunk from draft beer."
"….You…."
"I sold
myself," He laughed, his fringe falling over his lovely eyes. I couldn't
explain how much it hurt me to see him blaming himself so much either.
Both
of us…
"I sold
myself to Sakura too. We… We had an agreement. I didn't deceive him, but……
I'm still bound to that agreement, Hyde…" I wondered if he knew how much
those tears meant to me. "I hated it…. But… You… You made me feel so inferior,
Hyde. Only Sakura made me feel rightful, only he could make me understand
that I was nothing but a prostitute."
"…Understand…?"
I murmured. "You're not a damn prostitute, Tetsu… You really matter to
me, don't you understand?! Don't you fucking know?!"
He shook
his head. "I'm.. Not worthy. I love you too, Hyde…"
"Then,
will you please…."
"I don't
mind if you leave me now, Hyde… I don't mind if you leave me alone anymore.
I'm not worth it for you to keep that promise to, Hyde. You should hate
me."
"….I
love you."
He buried
his head into my chest, sobbing. I didn't think I could have left him alone
right then, so I held him tightly. So tightly that I could have crushed
him; it didn't matter because we were together… .
For a
long time he didn't lift his head up, but when he did, I could see the
obvious pain in his eyes. "You don't understand, Hyde…. It doesn't matter
whether you love me or not. We're not meant to be together…."
"I don't
care… Who the hell set that rule!?"
"Sakura
is the only one who doesn't hurt me." He pushed me away, and then sprang
up as he ran from me.
I was
left on the bed, all alone, suddenly wondering if it was really a dream.
In fact, I went back to sleep in case it was.
But…
When I woke up, my cheeks were still damp, and I thought I understood why.
He… Was
hurt too far to be saved. Even more than I'd thought….
eighteen
Wednesday, 07 March 2001
12:37:38 AM
Ken bore
a gigantic smile when he entered the room. However, it was quickly wiped
from his face as soon as I lifted my head.
"Ken,
did you ask him to come here?" I questioned.
"Yeah,"
He admitted, kneeling down beside me. "…I thought…"
"It's
all over, Ken," I told him.
He nodded
silently.
"Fuck,
if only I understood him better….." I let him wipe my tears away for me
again. I didn't really care, even as he draped me into his arm and patted
me on the back gently. Like a mother hen protecting her chicks. "If only
I hadn't filled my mind with only how sinful I was and neglected
how he felt…."
"He loves
you, Hyde…?"
"Yeah,
but it doesn't matter." I couldn't keep the bitterness away either. "He
said it doesn't matter because Sakura is the only one who doesn't hurt
him. He wants to feel like the fucking sinner that he is."
"Sakura…"
Ken sighed, patting me on the head.
"He was
my best friend."
"I know."
I couldn't
say anything else, so I allowed myself to cry some more into his arms,
and then I fell asleep. He was so big, like a grizzly bear, and so cuddly.
Suddenly I wished that I'd loved Ken instead.
I left
Ken's place to pack up my small one after a while. It really didn't help
since Ken had to stay with his fiancee, and anyway I was getting used to
that feeling of being hurt. I couldn't bear to look at Tetsu's photographs
yet, so I simply put away my mattress, stared at the TV for some time,
returned my due videos and headed to the kitchen for a drink.
Knock
knock…
I opened
the door on my own accord, to see Sakura soaked from the rain.
"Ossu,"
He greeted.
I eyed
him cautiously. "What are you doing here?"
"I can't
go home in such a downpour," He explained. I glared at him before letting
him in. He couldn't hurt me anymore anyway.
"Tetsu's
not here," I said curtly.
"He's
not with me either," He shrugged. "Who's looking for him?"
"Fuck
you," I yelled, throwing him a blanket and a pillow. "Make your own cocoa.
You know the way to the kitchen."
He laughed
at my expression, and settled down. I was too furious to talk to him, so
I locked myself up in the room where he couldn't hurt me if he wanted to.
The last
time I saw Tetsu outside was at that café.
He was
just sitting there, and I was looking for a record. I decided that I really
wanted it, and since it was the nearest record store, I just headed there,
not expecting to see him. I didn't remind myself of anything, which was
really good so far.
Well,
he waved to me and I went in after considering the other option. I ordered
steak; he told me it was on him. Not like I really cared. I would have
given a zillion dollars to all the politicians if I could get Tetsu's smile
back.
"You
probably have known," He finally told me, "That Sakura's leaving the band."
I didn't.
"….That means…"
He smiled
sadly. "We would disband anyway."
"Disband…."
That actual word was hurled straight at my head, and I realised that it
wasn't just our band… Now. It's affecting the band, Hyde… "Tetsu…
If you let that happen, I'll never forgive you."
"……?"
His eyes widened as he stared at me. "…..What…?"
"You're
selfish, do you know that?" I exploded, throwing that at him before he
could say anything. Then I left, because I didn't see the need to stay.
It was
when I reached home that I realised that I'd left the fucking CD with him.
nineteen
Wednesday, 07 March 2001
6:53:34 AM
It was
raining again. I felt sure that Sakura was going to drop by, but he didn't.
There wasn't any trace of your rowdy Sakura, so when I heard the door being
knocked upon, I thought it had to be him.
"Shitsurei
shimasu," the person who stood there, dripping wet, was Tetsu. His long
red hair and thin shirt clung to his frame, and once again I wondered if
he would break; he was so small.
"Iya,"
I threw the door wide open.
He smiled
gratefully, and I waited long enough for him to enter. Then I closed the
door again.
I wanted
to ask him what he'd wanted, but I decided that it was better to keep my
mouth shut. If I kept it shut, I could probably save myself from lots of
disasters.
"….I'm
cold," He hugged himself the moment he settled down onto the sofa.
I went
into the bedroom and searched for a new and big towel. "Do you wanna bathe?"
"….Un."
I draped
the towel over his shoulder and led him to the bathroom. He entered, not
lifting his head to look at me once. It was probably better; I went to
the kitchen to make him cocoa so that he could have it when he came out.
He didn't
emerge until I had settled down in the sofa for a long time, and by then
the cocoa had lost its steam. He sat down beside me and I passed it to
him wordlessly.
"…Thank
you," he whispered.
I didn't
think he'd thank me, but his eyes still adverted mine. I couldn't figure
out how I was going to treat him anymore.
When
he had finished, he set it down and finally lifted his gaze. "…I'm ready."
"…For
what?" I asked. You couldn't have called me sensitive exactly.
"…..Talk."
He pointed to the plastic bag that he'd left on the table. "….That's your
CD."
"…Oh,
thanks…" I replied, taking a glance at it once and returning my gaze to
Tetsu. He smiled gently to indicate that it was all right. "You came here
in the rain?"
"I didn't
bring an umbrella," He admitted sheepishly, and I was surprised, though
mildly.
"I see.
….Well, you didn't have to."
He said
suddenly, "We're going to have a band meeting tomorrow."
"…Band
meeting…?"
"Just
the three of us…. Sakura… He….."
"…Tell
me, Tetsu. What exactly happened?" I was getting impatient. I wished that
I could choke it out of him.
"He was
arrested for possessing drugs."
"…..That
fucking liar…" I murmured, closing my eyes. I could see his degrading smile
vaguely, and it was then that I thought I understood everything. What he
wanted wasn't Tetsu…. It was me. Why hadn't I known?! Then, cautiously
I whispered, "…Disband?"
"…..We'll
have to look for a new drummer," He looked up at me helplessly. I could
tell what he wanted to do and wanted to know.
"…I'll
help," I nodded, and then drew him into my arms. "But… You'd better not
sell yourself again."
He laughed,
and then I could feel him tremble underneath me. He was crying again; I
didn't want him to cry…. . "Hyde, you're my god," He whispered.
"…..I'm
not a fucking God," I held him even tighter. His hair was so lovely, as
was that white skin underneath that shirt which he'd wore…. I realised
that when I was clearing the house, I hadn't touched his clothes at all.
I really…
Couldn't leave my memories of him.
When
he finally lifted his head again, he kissed me lightly on the lips. "….I
love you too, Hyde…"
Fuck,
I hated that word. "…So do I."
He smiled,
and I held him even closer.
"And
you don't fucking feel like a sinner anymore, or I'll punish you."
He giggled—for
the first time after that damned incident, my life was filled with the
same radiance again. He really was lovely…
"kawaii….
naa…" I whispered, pushing him down so that I leaned against his chest.
It only made him giggle some more, and all of a sudden I didn't think if
I cared about whether I was a sinner or not. A phase—a fucking phase. I
was sure that I loved him and that this was far more important than anything
else….
Besides,
he needed more understanding than I did. …Like this, he saved me from myself…
once more….
….He
cried when I made love to him that night.
But,
he was smiling as well.