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. Kurayami [darkness]

Thursday, August 24, 2000 8:16:16 PM (GMT+8:00)

Hidoko Matsumoto
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Disclaimer: I would appreciate being sued by the real Hyde or Tetsu or Yuki! Do you think we can go to trial? Can I ask for their signature? And, non, you don't have any rights to sue me unless you're Hyde, Yuki or Tetsu! (or Ken!) You were warned as an outsider.
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I don't know when I started feeling this way.

I first knew Hyde from Danger Crue Records. I don't really remember how I met him, but I remember how lovely he looked the first time I met him. I had mistaken him for a girl then. To start from the beginning… … Actually, I don't really remember how I met him or when I met him, even though it seems like forever that he's been there. And it seems that from the beginning he's been the most beautiful person I've ever seen; it's almost as if he's radiating some magnetic force.

…And it has been really a long time… ..

And then I joined this band.

I had received a call from this super-healthy person. My impression of him was that he was always grinning so sweetly, and bursting out at the slightest excitement. We were playing this stupid PS game at my house—I can't remember its name—but he was squealing all the way.

So cute.

I thought I had to be crazy to even vaguely like him. But I did. The next thing I knew was that I was their support drummer, and by the first single, they decided to recruit me. I never thought I would be so happy in my whole life, because he's there, and because… I thought it was what I was looking for. Him and their music (I simply must include their music…. Or else my drum would have been screaming "I love you Tetsu" by now, and that's not a good thing. The essence of a bassist in drums is bad.).

And now….

His figure hasn't changed. Hyde has, a lot. I think Ken did, too. I don't really remember; it's been so long ago, and faded. (No wonder I feel old nowadays) He still grins the same way he did, and he still gets excited at the very slightest things, as long as it's what he likes.

That's my Tet-chan.

Mine.

So I'd like to think.

Hyde is still so perfect. He still has the same magnetic force that he radiated a long time ago. It's something cosmic radiation; even after so long it's still three degrees Kelvin in deep space. It never, which is fucking annoying, goes away… It stays to pester you forever and ever because you'll always be attracted.

That's what I hate about him.

No matter how he changed, attitude, personality, everything…. . One thing never changes. It didn't in the past and will not in the future.

My chest tightens just at that thought… God, I wish he'd disappear.

I wish the world would disappear and me and Tetsu alone. …. . .

My heart hurts. Why can't he sense it? He's caring. He's everything that he is.

I feel like screaming aloud. I'm so frustrated…. …

Why do I like to think that he'll care if he knew I was fancying his band mate's boyfriend? And him, of all people? I don't think he will. The basic essence of the world is the same; just like Hyde. It never changes in its original evilness, but constantly evolving, evolving and evolving and evolving and.. .. .

It always does… And no matter how it does…. It still stays the same.

It still remains a constant pest.

***

We were discussing about some things. Every time I look at him, my mind will wander. God… He is so beautiful… It feels as if he sustains a part of me.

I wish he knew.

And every time Hyde's voice sounds, I know I've been dreaming. Tetsu doesn't want to sustain anyone else but Hyde. I don't know how much I loathe him. Both feelings add up together, this heavenly sadness so deep and divine, and this budding hatred that seems to bloom and diffuses like blood in water… These two feelings they gnaw at me, until I feel like I am nothing more than a pathetic piece of crap.

…But still I am sustained.

I can sigh and look at him forever. And my gaze will never break them up.. ..

I want to touch him, outside and inside, and… These things can only be reserved for that someone, and it doesn't seem like it will be me. I don't care…. I want him.. .

He's mine…

Born to be mine…

These thoughts seem to filtrate through my heart into my brain, and they always seem to work against me. They hurt me so much.

The next time I go over to Tetsu's house is to watch Gundam seems near. Ken had wanted a slumber party, which Tetsu gave permission to, and hey presto, we're going to sleep over at Tetsu's place.

"It sounds like fun."

It sounds like pain.

I will have to look at Tetsu and Hyde snuggle with each other. And I will have to hide it… I cannot let him know. I think I'd be killed if they know. Physically, maybe. Deep inside.. ..

We were supposed to bring girls along. Tetsu was disapproving, because they couldn't have anyone know they were together. He wants to be as healthy, as normal as he can be. That is the image he wants. I don't understand, but… Am I not the same? I cannot simply tell the media how much I love Tetsu; how many times my heart has been soaked in gasoline and then lit and thrown into some hellish demise. I keep a laid back profile—nothing happened in the holidays, nothing will, I'm excited about nothing but music and the band. It is something like that.

Supposedly if someone, just one person, knows, and we have the whole world running on gossip "L'Arc~en~Ciel is a gay band. A real faggot band and they suck butt simply because they are gay." The yaoi fangirls will be pleased, but who cares? Those kind of fans will simply drift away after some time, because their imagination, the reason for obsession is over. This is the real world… If we have a bad atmosphere, nothing stays.

I don't think I'd like that myself, even if it wouldn't hurt Tetsu.

And I don't want to see him hurt. I like his smile.

Then again, I haven't seen him cry.

I'm sure Hyde has, since long ago.

I wish I could see Tetsu cry. Wouldn't those tears be as lovely as his smile? He is so pure, so stable. He knows what he's doing. I do things just because I think it's what I'm supposed to do. I wish things were different. Can I have his smile and his tears at the same time? I will never have that kind of smile which Tetsu reserves for Hyde anyway…. ..

I can only smile coldly at my own foolishness for ever liking him.

I want to be the cause of Tetsu's tears. I'm sure some time ago, Hyde had been the cause of Tetsu's tears.. ..

It's just a thought, another foolish thought waiting to be entertained and then brushed away.

And the next thing I know is that I'm walking home with Ken. I think Hyde and Tetsu went shopping for the snacks. They'll probably come back with some really cute purikura later, maybe at the slumber party. We hadn't had one for a long time.

…Ken wants to go and get some beer, while I want to get the game that I had just bought… Oh, and Eva! Of course, since a slumber party with Tetsu without Eva is like a cat without whiskers. …Although, I'm sure he'll have it at his place. Maybe I can bring some Playstation games as well. Thinking, thinking, I end up bringing nothing anyway. Instead, I choose to get the beer with Ken, and we drive to Tetsu's home in my rather new car.

"Welcome to my 'humble' abode!" Tetsu greets, his normal cheerful smile almost making me melt, as if I hadn't melted enough for the days I've seen him.

"Hey!" Ken greets just about as cheerfully, as he steps in. "What have you gotten us? I smell food!"

Hyde pops out of the kitchen at the moment I thought he disappeared. He's also grinning, cheerfully, holding a pan wearing an apron. I wonder if he likes to wear apron or is it because Tetsu made him wear it? I can almost imagine Tetsu saying, "so cute!" as he dresses Hyde up like a doll… .

"I'm making us beef, and seafood curry rice!"

Like iron filings to a magnet, Tetsu seems to be attracted to Hyde. He wraps his slim arms around Hyde's, entangling himself to this short man, and says, "He didn't mess up, thankfully too!" Giggling, he points at the stain on Hyde's apron.

It seems like he can't ever keep his hands off Hyde…

It makes me sick…

I wish I could be in Hyde's place… …

Ken laughs naturally, and I simply smile.

"Even if I had a wound, one kiss from Tetsu and I'll be all okay!" Hyde jokes, as Tetsu kisses him on the cheek. I hate that cheesy sweetness, that laced humor. I think I can be deeper than that… I think… .I would never speak like that, I will never let myself speak like that… That is what's wrong with Hyde.. .. He's always so… .. Normal… .

But still, Tetsu, like all other girls, sticks to him like flies to honey. Except that my Tetsu is a butterfly, he's much more elegant…

I hate that…

I hate that a lot. He's my butterfly, he should be flying to me. I'm not exactly honey, but I can be as sweet…. . If he'd let me try…

"Of course! The two of you… always so… happy! Like this!" Ken imitates Tetsu's action, wrapping his arms around my neck and planting a wet sloppy kiss on my cheek.

Towards which, I bear a sense of neutrality. But I laugh it off, it's funny how Ken always acts. "Yuck! Get off me, Ken! You can have Hyde if you want!"

"You know I won't let him!" Tetsu cuts in, his expression unchangingly sweet. His hands toy with the lace on the apron which Hyde is wearing. Such beautiful fingers… They shouldn't be on that ugly person…

Years of such a feeling seems to have penetrated deep into me. I guess I've been too morbid for words. I'm still supposed to support my band mates in whatever they do, aren't I? I support Tetsu… I guess….A bit grudgingly maybe…. But would I rather him cry while I smile? I don't know. One or two years ago I couldn't imagine it like that. Now… It's different I guess.

"I already have my beloved," I protest. They have seen whom I've been going out with anyway. Although… I wasn't talking about her.

"And that's sweet, Yuki!" He laughed. "Love all year round!"

I'm sure he's been referring to the new song in the new album we've released. I shiver, saying nothing. Somehow the drumming turned out weird to me. Maybe they all loved it…

I didn't. At least I was able to get into the music before long.

Now Hyde's whistling the tune and Ken pretends to do the guitar solo. Tetsu pulls Hyde back into the kitchen after making a remark about Ken's playing, and then I see Ken's lanky form settling down on Tetsu's sofa.

"Want to watch TV?" He asks, looking up at I who hadn't budged.

"Sure."

"There's this show which I really like." He winks, "Pretty girls, you know. Besides, I like the plot."

"They're all pretty," I noted.

"Some of them just catches your eyes," He shrugs. I couldn't agree more.

In the end, Tetsu comes jogging out to the living room, pounces on Ken, wrestles for a bit, and we settle down to watch Eva. Tetsu's the sort of person who just showers his love unwittingly onto everyone, even me. One way or another. I love the way he bounces up and down the couch, too.

He's so full of life… It makes me feel inferior.

I want to touch him… …

"Ready!" Hyde comes into the living room, disrupting the noise from the TV.

"Ding Ding!" Tetsu sings, as he bounces up from the sofa to Hyde's form. "Sorry to have troubled you!"

"Anything for you, dear," Hyde wrinkles his nose and laughs quietly while Tetsu pinches his cheeks. So loving…

Yuck, I think I wanna puke.

"Let's go and eat, no?"

"Oh, don't forget to pour the beer I brought!" Ken says, as if he has just suddenly remembered.

"Do I look like your servant?" The apron is removed from that body and thrown over Ken's head. It's funny to see Ken struggling out of the cloth. "Do it yourself!"

Tetsu giggles again, the Nth time of the day. He tugs at Hyde's hand, and leads him to the kitchen.

"Come on, Yuki." Ken smiles, looking so unwitting. It feels like no one will ever understand my desires… "Let's go. Don't wanna let Hyde down, do you?"

"Of course not," I reply, although I don't care about Hyde an ounce. We walk to the table Tetsu has in his dining room, and we sit down in a circle. It is pretty spacious; I suppose Tetsu likes having his own space.

"Aren't we going to watch Eva?" Tetsu whimpers, eyes sparkling as he takes the chopsticks and hands it to us. It isn't as if we care about etiquette among ourselves. "Are we?"

"I laid it here, you brat. No, we're going to eat first." Hyde says, sounding almost firm, like a mother to a child.

"Hyde~" Tetsu's eyes seems to be extra big as he stares at Hyde with half-teary eyes.

"Aww…. Now let's eat." Hyde smirks, patting Tetsu on the head.

Tetsu bursts out into laughter, and grabs his chopsticks. "Let's begin!"

"Yeah!" We agree. It's not like we really have much to do.

Dinner is much better than I thought it would be. Yet I still hate its taste, because it's Hyde's cooking. I despise Hyde… Why can't he disappear?

And I sit through hours enduring their sweet, sweet love each day, today with no exception.

Gross.

After Eva, we play Gundam. Tetsu's eyes sparkle at the TV set, so excitedly, having to watch Death Scythe fight the invaders. It's not as if I don't enjoy it, but his feelings show through so much easier than mine… I guess. I can't act like that if I try. And he's so cute, the sort which just bores into your skin after a while and buries deep into your heart.

Ken brings out the beer, and Hyde finds some crackers around the house (since Tetsu can never ever be pulled away once Gundam or Eva is playing). We settle down with the crackers, prawn, seaweed and whatnot. All I want is a chocolate on hand, or some pocky. I think Tetsu understands that as he sees my disappointed expression, because he motions to Hyde and Hyde sprouts an "oh yeah", before rushing to fetch the plastic bag lying somewhere around the kitchen.

I love Tetsu so much. He understands me….

After this episode, Tetsu happily inserts the next one, and after lazing for a while, Ken decides that he wants to watch a late-night horror movie if he ever wants to crash at Tetsu's place. Tetsu changes the topic to playing Playstation game; we all love the new Playstation two. Tetsu's obsessed with technology.

We end up playing our own game after Hyde's insistence. I think Hyde had undermined Tetsu's beauty when he designed Tetsu's outlook in that game. That excited expression, however, is one which I know of Tetsu's, which I am accustomed to, and I'm sure Hyde is as well.

"Raise white!"

"Waaahhhhh!" Hyde screams, as he presses the wrong control. Tetsu laughs at Hyde's cute expression, both on the TV screen and at the real Hyde.

The one on the TV screen is so cute.

But not the real one.

The fun thing about the game is that you can choose your own character. I own a copy at home, and I usually use myself, or Tetsu. I think the first thing I have been obsessed with is the notion of defeating Hyde. Too bad we only get a Niji live at the end, not a choice of lover. It'd be so fun… … I can imagine a SD Tetsu huddling close to an image of myself, and the screen says, "and they lived happily ever after."

Won't that be so quaint?

And to add to that, we'd have the defeat of the loser, namely Hyde. He gets buried under an ugly grave, suited for himself, dank dark and gray, and we have a "too bad" over it.

I shouldn't think too much. Such an idea isn't good for marketing anyway. This is the real world. If it has been as I fantasize, it will be so wonderful… Won't it?

Finally, after four hours nonstop with that game (and two more hours of Eva c/w Gundam), Ken lies lazily on the couch looking half-asleep. Tetsu is as awake as ever, even though he seems to have calmed down and is snuggling on the sofa comfortably. Hyde sits at his feet, looking almost bored. The only thing he looks like he might enjoy is Tetsu playing with his hair.

Such a mundane person. …..Then again, am I talking about myself?

"Duru… .Duru…!" Ken's mobile phone sounds.

"Hello?" He responds, standing up as he speaks. "Excuse me for a moment, guys."

Ken retreats to the dining room, and into the kitchen, I assume. I can hear murmuring. After a moment Hyde gets up, too, and pulls at Tetsu's clothes. I don't know why he wants to leave, is it because Hyde wants to? Tetsu obliges, and they enter Tetsu's room.

I can't possibly just sit there by myself… The atmosphere… Is killing me….. .

I can't stand this…. .

Tetsu with that hated person… ..

The actions of Heero fighting Trowa no longer seems to enter my mind; instead, faint images of the two kissing is too much to bear. I always have these dreams, where Hyde and Tetsu invade my sleep, and they torture me with their sweetness.

I hate this….

I leave my seat, to the room. The door is slightly ajar, I think they couldn't be bothered to close it properly. After all, there's no one but trusted band mates, not stalkers, right? I can hear slight humming as I look in. Hyde's humming, and Tetsu's resting on his shoulders like a girl who is too tall, the two of them swaying to the melody of Hyde's voice.

He shouldn't have that problem in my arms.

Then, Tetsu breaks loose, as he gently kisses Hyde on his nose, trailing it down to his lips, then his chin… Hyde lets him, the hums turning to a purr that sounds too pleasured. Those hands, the hands which I've longed to hold, they taint themselves by undoing the buttons of Hyde's shirt, on that dirty person.. ….

That skin is so ugly.. .

That smile on Tetsu's face.. .

It's disgusting.. ..

This must be the first time I've seen them truly that way. I've seen them after they've been roughed up, but not as they're roughing up. After all, I shouldn't be caring and neither should I be peeping.

But.. .

That disgusting posture… .. That expression…

The dance of the shadows as they move under the light…

I wish Hyde would just die.

Why can't he die? Is he so important? I wish I could kill him…

The world doesn't need such a disgusting person…

I tear myself away from that scene, and retreat to the sofa, my rightful place. Moments after I sit down, Ken comes walking in, his lanky form towering over me. He smiles, patting my shoulder, and sits down.

"Where's Tetsu and Hyde? …On second thought, scratch that question." He winks knowingly at me. I blush slightly, knowing what he means.

Then my tears flood in my heart.

Tetsu….

Being defiled like that.. ..

.. .. . ……..

***

About ten days later, he approaches me. I don't know why he didn't ask Ken instead, since it is about making songs.

"I asked him," He smiles shyly. "But .. .. Oh…. . I think you can help better. It's with words, I have the feeling of the song already, but… I need to know if it's okay."

I nod, wondering why am I so lucky, or will it give me more pain? "No problem."

"It goes like this…. ." He hums it slightly, his voice so high like a girl's, so sweet. Nothing like my own murmurs, it's something that sounds like choirs of angels… He sings quite a lot, and I don't ever get tired of his voice.. .

It's such a beautiful song, reminds me of Anata.. .. And Pieces… .. And Milky Way… Why are all the mushy songs he's written being named?

"I think the melody should be okay…. I need your thoughts.. .." He looks up pleadingly.

"Ummm?" I think I'm going to melt.. … Those eyes…

"I have about a paragraph or two of the lyrics," He tells me, fumbling in his pocket. It seems that he has scribbled it down somewhere. He gazes at me meaningfully, and I gesture for him to read. Knowing him, it is going to be lovely… .

"It's lovely, Tet-chan…" It sounds like a description of himself… . I smile encouragingly. Tetsu is my angel… That poem describes my feelings completely.. …

"I'm worried," He whispers, looking sheepish. "Do you think Hyde will like it?"

It always has to do with that… . "Of course!" …….I hate it… I hate it! I try to get a grip of my inner heart… .but… .I hate it so much….. ..! "He'll love it, it's so beautiful."

He simply smiles at me thankfully, and sticks the paper back into his pocket. I watch his every movement, he's so graceful and elegant. The ambiance of that skin… .. I remember that night at the slumber party. What is so pure about Hyde's skin?! He's one of the most corrupted playboys I ever knew! "…. ..I'm worried this won't be suitable for him… . . It's so hard.. .Iya… .."

"Tetsu, how will it sound like when its sung?" I ask. That brat doesn't need a song, he can write all the songs he want for himself! It's so.. .. . .. .. fucked up…! I wish he'll disappear!

"Un.. .Perfect…" He laughs.

.. .. Tetsu's the perfect one.. .. "I know, it's your work!"

He laughs again. It's driving me insane how beautiful and charming he is while he's doing all these foolish things for Hyde. Why can't he realize how much I love him, and shower that affection to me instead. ..? Or is it my fault that I'm never as good looking, as sexy, as appealing, as feminine, as.. .. .. … "Come on, I'll treat you to fugu sashimi! My treat!"

"How about Mac Donalds?" I jokingly ask. He slaps his forehead, grinning.

"You just had that for.. .what, lunch?" He counts the number of days which I'd been disappearing off to that fast food restaurant. I wonder why I just like it… Like Tetsu… .. It can't be just the burgers. Maybe because it tastes of modern America, yeah that's it. "….Lets' go take purikura!"

"Purikura?" I laugh. It seems that guy is still obsessed over those small stickers like many schoolgirls. Our band alone has hundreds of sheets (and I'm not exaggerating) lying around my home, Ken's home, Tetsu's home, and that small-nobody's home…. . I don't understand why Tetsu likes it so much, but his grin is so cute.. .. I guess he's like a kid liking everything there is to be liked… .I smile fondly.

"Yeah!" He pulls me to the machine which stands at the corner. "Smile, you know you're really cute when you smile!"

Pretty soon, we're settled with a couple of 100-yen coins inside the machine. We take all 1 pose for the 16 stickers, and Tetsu makes a mockingly serious face. I like that face so much.. … It reminds me of the time when we're joking around and it's his job to let us know it's time to work. It gets us into laughter, but it reminds us as well. Tetsu's own special way of communication… 'Our leader-majesty!' I enter the caption. Soon, it comes out looking all spastic.

"So cute," He squeals. So full of enthusiasm.. ..

I really really like him… .. Every bit of him….. ..

He sticks it into his wallet, and we arrive at the fast food outlet. Ah, maybe the reason I like it is that it's always bustling with young people. It reminds me of spring; it's always spring everywhere… ..

"You know what I like about taking purikura with you?" He laughs.

"With me?" I look at him, surprised. I blush; I can feel my cheeks burning. He's so cute. ..He likes taking purikura with me.. .? ….Really? I blink, trying to hide my blush."…..Me?"

"Yeah! You don't fight with me about which frames to choose!" He jokes, and we find a seat on which to sit down upon. I let Tetsu sit down while I order his share for him. I like the idea of having him wait for me, as I go out to fetch him food. It feels like I can take care of him once in a while, or something to that extent.

I will take care of him forever if he'd allow me.

I hand him his fish burger, after the tray was settled onto the table, and he smiles happily. He peels open the packaging, carefully, as if it were something precious. ….Or maybe something poisonous.

"I ordered extra nuggets, do you want them?" I ask, smiling, knowing he will look up and exclaim, 'yes!' with his mouth full. Like I expected, he looks up, his eyes lit, with a huge smile.

"Yes!" He exclaims, trying to cover his mouth so that I can't see what's in it. I can't help but laugh softly. My heart twists, he's so lovely I can feel it bearing into my soul.. . .

Seeping into my being gently.. .. I love him so much words can't describe it.. …. .

We continue eating, chatting on nothingness. That's your special Laruku, who can talk for hours on end about nothing specifically. I wish I can talk to him about deeper things, but that's only where things go. There's still so much I want to do with him, to take care of him and look deep into his being, and talk for hours on end about the deepest things in the world, and arriving at the simple conclusion that we love each other.. .. ……………….

Why can't I? God.. . I wish… .There's probably nothing deeper than my desire to own each and every part of him. It's feeding on me, feeding on my soul, conquering my heart… I can't stop it… I can't… … Even as I talk to him, he who looks so innocent… ..

Sometimes I just wish that I can go back to those times when I'd be content staring at his lovely face…

Sometimes… ..

I wish that I can just end this all. I think humans are masochistic in general, which will explain why I can't stop loving him so much as much as I do…. .

"Sleep… You know how much life you have when you compare it with the number of hours you sleep," Tetsu's chewing on his burger. I love the way he eats, it's like he takes all the time in the world.. .. and then you can imagine him falling asleep after he has eaten because he's so full. "Ten hours or more means you have no life, eight hours to ten means you can go shopping, five hours and less means that you're too busy at work."

"Heh! How true!" I laugh happily. "I can't wait till the next holidays. Sleep speaks it all!"

"Yeah! Aren't we going to Yuki Mi Onsen next holidays?"

I blush, remembering the cheap joke Hyde made on me about Yukki no onsen. Looking at Tetsu's face, I can tell he's referring to that. …He remembers everything Hyde said.. .. Even such a silly, minor joke…

I wish… He'd stop.. .

"I would rather go by myself, thank you!" I retort, suddenly serious. I can't control myself this time… Why?

"Yuki?" He looks surprised, and then turns concerned. "I'm sorry… .?"

"You don't have to be," I force myself to smile. He doesn't have to be, it's not his fault… .. . He's… .always.. .innocent.. .. .He's always like that.. . It's…

"Yuki… What's wrong?"

I smile, feeling full of sin for letting Tetsu worry. I never want to hurt Tetsu… Never ever.. . "Nothing…. .I'm okay, Tetsu. Let's go to Yuki Mi Onsen together some time!"

He seems to have forgotten that joke this time. "Yeah, let's! And we can call Hyde and Ken too!"

I would rather go alone with him, but he can't know that…. .. If he knows.. ..But. .. "Un! We will!"

***

I'd talk to him over the phone, because he called. Every time. No matter how busy I am, I will always listen to his talks, and I will always talk with him. It doesn't matter what he wants to say, because I will listen. And it doesn’t matter what I have to say, because I never tell him the one thing I want to tell him most.

Today we talk about that song of his. He's conjured up the next paragraph already, and we're discussing the next.

That was the first part he's told me. Thankfully, he can't see my expression right now. I'm gazing at the purikura which we had taken yesterday… And I can't help but have tears sting my eyes. Somehow it feels so much deeper, the pain, as if I can never cry again… .

If only Tetsu will help me find my smile. ..

"I want to say… The time which I'd known him is so long…. But it seems even longer…." Tetsu pauses. It's a really nice idea, the passing by of time.. .. With him… .It's something I can relate to.

"….It seems to have been forever…." I murmur.

"That's perfect, Yuki!" His voice lights up. I listen, wishing that the light would shine over here. He laughs. "Forever… It seems like that…. Don't know why, it seems to have been forever…"

He starts singing it along with the melody. I can tell that he's just trying to know if it sounds right, but… I don't know.. .. His voice.. .Is so blissful it makes me smile but at the same time it floods my heart with some bloody hell.

"I wish I can keep those memories intact…." He whispers, humming… ."Thanks, Yuki. You bring me inspiration."

"You're welcome." I don't know what else I can say. There's nothing I can say… It doesn't matter if I bring him inspiration, because the song will never be for me. His heart will never love me as much as I do love him.. .If I can have one tenth of my own love back, I'll be so grateful… . I love him.. ……………. So deeply.. … I want to hold him every night when I sleep and whisper into his ears, telling him how perfect he is… . I want to cradle him in my arms and say that there is no such thing in the world as more wondrous than he is.

Recently I've really been drowning in my emotions. I've never been such a sap before… I swear…

But I really wish that it can come true one day… ..

If he will love me, it doesn't matter if I die… .

"Un.. .My mobile's ringing. Wait a moment… ." He says, and I can hear him putting the phone aside. I can imagine murmured sounds of him speaking, and I wonder who can it be? My face darkens when I realize it's most likely Hyde. I want to scream, Leave my Tetsu alone! His voice comes floating back, sounding as if he's smiling. "Hey, sorry for the disturbance."

"It's okay… . You can go and talk with your Hyde forever and leave me alone." It's only after saying it that I realize how mean I sound. Still, there's nothing I can do to take it back…

"What are you talking about….!" He sounds hurt. "It was Ken."

"Oh….."

"You don't like me calling you up? Yuki, just tell me." Now he sounds colder.

What can I say…? "No….. It's not that… I didn't mean it."

"….Okay… I'll call you tomorrow then." His voice is still cold, so cold… .It's all that little fry's fault that Tetsu will be angry at me. It's all Hyde's fault. "See you."

"….See you…" With that, the phone is put down. I can only hear the dismal sound of the tone, so lifeless…. My hand puts the hand piece down, slowly, shakingly.

I don't want to do so.. .. I want to talk to him forever.. ..

"I wish… Hyde will die. I wish he'll die the most painful death ever…" I know my wishes will never come true. It never will, because it came from me. If only… I can kill him myself… How would I do it?

… …I guess, even if I can, I won't have the courage…

Even if it's for Tetsu… ..

***

I've pondered the whole afternoon, and I still can't decide on what to do. I miss his cute face, his innocent smile, his childish acts…. .I miss so many things of his, and it's only been a day. I haven't seen him today; and… I miss him already, not because I haven't seen him, but because he's angry with me. I think he's angry with me.

I don't want him acting so coldly towards me, I don't want him to think that I'm thinking of him as a burden. I wish I can let him know that he's the most important thing in the world to me; and I would take all the phone calls in the world he's calling me.

…Maybe I should apologize.

With that in mind, I stroll towards his apartment, hoping that he'd see me. My stomach feels like there's butterflies inside, the usual feeling. I fantasize being able to tell him of my feelings, and be able to hold him in my arms, but.. .I know… .I know enough to not do it… .

What am I scared of?

My small steps seem to be laden with weight as I approach the apartment. It seems so far away still… .

But… .It seems like I'm having an internal battle with myself.

I'll be reaching his place soon.

Sometimes I wonder about the things I do. I really shouldn't have snapped at him; it's not up to me who he wants to see. It's not up to me if he loves Hyde and would rather talk to him. It's not up to me if I'm not the one he wants to hold… ..

I wish I could have his warmth…

Still, nothing is as I wish, and never will be… ….

I love him so much.. ..

Something makes me stop in my tracks. It's him… And that someone, walking together. They're not holding hands, because it's public, but they look so blissful I wish I could die…

As usual… ..

Pain seems to rip my heart apart, more cruelly than it had been earlier, than it would have been when I was still younger, when this love was not so mature.. .

I love him… .

It hurts me…………….

It always will, because he'll never have that expression which he has right then. Not with me. I remember when I went out with him earlier in the week, and even earlier in time, but he'll always wear that sweet expression which he gives everyone…. Not this one that he will always share with Hyde…

Always.. .

Always…. .

Don't know why, it seems to have been forever… .

Forever… . Forever's without the limit of time, not in the past and not in the future…

That's the essence of that word. Even through the clichés and lies that people give, the essence will never change… ..I think Tetsu knows, as he smiles like that to Hyde.. .A smile full of love, as if flowers are blooming all around and snow is falling all around… And the colors sing and everything smiles at you.. …

Hyde.. ..and Tetsu… Forever.. ..?

It's… Impossible… ..

What about me?

I'll never have that smile.. .. Why do I realize it only now? Maybe, one day, I will.. .Maybe… I always wish. .. But… It seems.. .. Even if Hyde is gone, will he smile like that to me?

Will he be writing such a song to me?

Never mind about that 'true love song' which Hyde wrote. He doesn't know what love is.. .Love is not like that.

Love is… Forever. It seems to be forever while it lasts, at least.

Yeah, like pain… ..

I don't think I can distinguish pain from love anymore.. .. It hurts so much, so much… .

Sometimes, this pain makes me want to hurt the both of them, and tell them… I'll never be hurt by anyone, even if it's a beloved, even if it's Tetsu.

I don't have a chance, do I?

Not when Tetsu gives that smile to that ugly person… .

My angel….

***

He called me to tell me about the jamming session today, and that was all we talked about yesterday.

"I've finished the new song, and I'd like to see if we can try practicing it." That's what he said. And then the time and the place. Then he said goodbye.

I still haven't apologized. He's still so cold to me… .

I don't know what I'm doing as I drive to the studio. It seems like the drive is forever, as long as he's still cold to me… .Forever… I loathe that word now… . It seems as if suddenly, your muse hits you with an idea. And that idea…. Was the notion of this word 'forever'.

The present is always forever.

Maybe… And then one moment it changes to the past, but the present remains.

Kinda like a bloody corpse, don't you think? Even if the annoying person is dead, the corpse will still remain to bother you, and bother you and bother you… Until you clear the corpse away and bury it deep down.

I'm not even sure myself, if I have been living in the past all along, or in the present. It still doesn't matter. I can berate myself over all sorts of things, and I'll still be here driving until I reach the studio, and I'll be playing the next thing, and the drive has become a thing of the past….

But I'll always be doing something, something that pains me, something which will always matter to me because with every moment which passes by, Tetsu's smile will haunt me.

I don't know why the thought struck me only yesterday. Seems like the wrong time. I've been losing my rationality recently, I swear.

And still.. .I want to give Tetsu the whole night sky, the suns and the stars and spring, and even myself, if he wants.

All this thinking, these feelings are not helping as I drive my way to the studio. Then I'm walking through the halls, and all, and there on one of the couches in the jamming room Tetsu and Hyde sit. It seems they were early; maybe Ken will be late. Maybe Tetsu and Hyde arrived early.

Tetsu and Hyde, Tetsu and Hyde. I hate reciting their names like that this way.

Still.. .

"Hi," I greet. "You're early today."

"I'm so glad, Yuki. The song is finally done." He winks at me.

"You still haven't told me what the song is about!" Hyde whines, annoyingly, like a child, as he leans closer to Tetsu. My Tetsu… … I wish I could tear them apart. I wonder what will it be like, and I can imagine that it feels like… .Their tearing apart of my inside, my sanity. It'll be like tearing a body into two, or something to that extent. They feel like one already. God, that sucks.

"Nope," Tetsu laughs, winking at me again. "It's a secret, isn't it, Yuki?"

I laugh. Somehow it seems empty. "Yeah."

"Iya! Tetsu!" Hyde pinches him slightly, and clings tighter to his arm. "Even Yuki knows, but I don't!"

"You will, later." He grins, patting Hyde's head gently. "It's a surprise."

"Oh… It's a surprise…? For me?" Hyde beams, lighting up instantly. Tetsu seems to be so attached to that kid… God… I don't understand, it's sick.

"No no, it's for Tarepanda," Tetsu teases, poking his nose lightly. Hyde pretends to pout, and they kiss.

It's all as if I don't exist.

Right, I don't. Not in their world.

My heart seems to burn again, this time with some cold flame that makes me wish that I can crush this love, crush Tetsu's smile, and destroy everything.

All the clichéd stuff on TV; if you can't own it, no one will.

… … ……………. …… Time seems to pass by slowly when you suffer.

Finally, Ken comes in through the front door. He grins cheerfully, and sits down right beside me. "So, what's the song like?"

"Let's go to the table," Tetsu gestures, standing up, giving us his mock-serious expression. Hyde rolls his eyes, kisses him, and struts alone. Ken laughs at that, shaking his head. I follow. He waits till we're all settled, and pulls a piece of paper out. Blushing slightly, he gives us one photocopy each. It's amazing how much he got done all in one day yesterday. "…Well… This is the lyrics of the new song."

I look at it. I can feel my eyes well up with tears… The full version is so much sweeter, so much more touching…. And powerful, nothing like the shallow lyrics which Hyde wrote about love. It's… Tetsu's… ..Tetsu's lovely heart….

"…Is it for me… Tetsu…?" Hyde's eyes seem to be flooded with tears.

"Un… .Un… .." Tetsu's smile is so stable; his eyes shine so lovingly…. ..

"Oh.. .Let's sing it… Tetsu!" His feeling seems to gleam through those tears… I can imagine how happy he must feel.. . He doesn't deserve it….! He doesn't!

"Aww…" Ken grins, smushing the two's cheeks together. So cute, so happy, it makes me vomit. "You haven't even heard the melody, Hyde!"

"Here it is…" Tetsu laughs, holding up a piece of mini disc from the desk. "I hummed into it in case I forgot the tune… We'd have to tab it later."

"Tet-chan…" Hyde hugs him tightly, as if he never wants to let go. "Let's play…! Let's play…."

"You brat," Tetsu's cheeks flush a slight red, as he holds him back so gently… .. So gently.. .

My heart has fallen into a deep chasm… . I think.. .Along with all my soul… …

God… …

The melody plays as Tetsu's slender finger presses lightly onto the machine which starts the beautiful humming. This song… It seems to fall onto everything like light, and seep through every being, seeming to enhance them with a new color… . A lovelier color… ..

So much different from myself.. ..

"Let's sing…" Hyde finally takes his hand off my beloved, and plants a kiss lightly onto Tetsu's cheek. He murmurs, almost incoherently. "…..Let's sing…. Tetsu.. .."

"Un…" Tetsu follows, letting himself be lead by Hyde towards the mike stand. Ken watches on, happily, approvingly. I don't know where my smile went; I don't think anyone noticed… .. I hope my feeling doesn’t show on my face… But so what if it does? No one will care.

"Falling through the slit of my fingers as if they were never existing… …" Hyde's long fingers caress his own cheek, as his eyes close, as if he's getting ready to take flight… . "The soft feathers of your wings flutter…. .overwhelmingly, they seem to flood the dream…."

Tetsu giggles lightly, as he sings along with the vocalist, who looks at the paper. "You sang the last phrase wrongly, idiot."

"I'll learn it… I promise I'll learn it well," Hyde's voice seems to choke, and his eyes seem to sparkle so much. I know he wants to cry, but he's not one to cry.

…I would, if I could find my tears.

It hurts so much… ..

"Be glad Okano is not here!" Ken shouts aloud, jokingly, shuffling in his seat. He seems to think that they're wonderful together too… .

Even I am starting to think this way… ..

Because they love each other… ..

I will really never own Tetsu's heart… Never ever…. .. Never.. …….. ……..

Tetsu laughs, holding Hyde close.

"Should we start coming up with guitar parts today, or should we leave you to your own world? Nee, Yuki?" Ken nudges me playfully. I turn. I'm sure my face is as black as my moods now… ..Because I don't even try to mask it… … Because it hurts too much to be masked… .

"I'm leaving." I stand up, knowing that it's better to disappear rather than hang around and be a drag. I don't care if my disgust, my jealousy shows through anymore… . Let them figure. "I'm not going to stand to see anymore of this."

"Yuki?" Ken asks, shocked at my reaction. A sort of triumph seems to tingle through me as I see Tetsu's and Hyde's face lose both their color.

.. .So, I could make them have that expression too?

"What's wrong, Yuki?" Tetsu walks nearer to me, letting go of Hyde, and reaches out to take my arm.

I don't want to jerk it away, because his touch is what I have always been yearning for… .. .

But I do, because I know once he touches me, I'll never be able to act the way I want to anymore. "Leave me alone."

"Yuki…." Hyde speaks up. "Does our relationship really bother you?"

Does it? I smile coldly. I refuse to reply even as I turn and strut away, my heart falling into pieces.. .. ..

I'll never be able to live like this… .. I'll never be able to live knowing that I can't get Tetsu… Never.. …. Even if Hyde isn't there.. … . Even if Hyde is there.. .. Both don't make a difference, because Tetsu is always free to choose to be bound to Hyde.

.. …I would rather let him lose that precious smile than let my heart be hurt like that…. .I wish I can hurt him more, more than simply letting his face lose those colors like I did.

The door slams shut behind me, and I turn back for a brief moment. He doesn't even attempt to pursue me, but I smile, because I don't want him to. If he did, I don't know what I would have done, or even how to feel… .

***

Tetsu attempted to call me for quite a few times, but I didn't switch on my mobile and all. I knew he would try, but it's not because he loves me; it's only because I'm his band mate. I know they can't do recording without any one of us; and that’s what I intend to do.

I don't know what else I am going to do. It seems like my mind is a blank… Hah. How ironic that I who am setting the pace now am confused too.

Maybe, just maybe… .I can let Tetsu call me once.

I switch on my answering machine instead of the home phone. Maybe he'll come over…. . Even if he doesn't, I'll go over. But I'll let him find me first.

Then, after waiting for some time, he still didn't call. Instead, just as I'm pondering over what to do, my doorbell sounds, quite rightly too. And I see, there he stands, alone, all alone, in the doorway, looking worried out of his wits. He deserves it, doesn't he?

He's tired, but still so lovely… ..

I open the door slightly. "What are you doing here, Tetsu?"

It's his turn to be angry. "Excuse me. You disappeared for so long, and we can't work at all. Even your manager said he couldn't get you. What the hell are you trying to do, may I ask, or?"

"Hn, so you're not happy to see me," I get ready to slam the door. Instead, he puts his hand to it, before dislodging my grip on the doorknob. I allowed him to, because I want him to come in…..It's like a trap waiting for a rabbit to get caught in.

"Quit that, Yuki. Stop being such a kid. Even if you're not happy, there's work." And then his face grows soft again. "You knew about me and Hyde all along anyway… Why did you suddenly…?"

I smile. "Come in, and we can discuss it."

He looks shocked for a slight moment, then obliges, realizing that privacy is what we need.

Yes… Privacy is what we need.

The most beautiful way to appreciate a beauty is to spawn it…. .. If you can't own it and hold it forever. Who cares anymore, if your own self is being hurt like crazy every day, and deteriorating everyday? I had a slight impression of him when I met him at Danger Crue…. 'What a beautiful person' was what I thought. But what I didn't realize is that I will be falling in love years later, and breaking down with each moment that I love him.

I still love him. I do… .

He looks insecure, untrustingly gazing about before sitting down onto the couch. I let him, settling myself down beside him. "…So tell me, what are you up to?"

"Nothing, leader majesty." I didn't know where I got my sarcasm from. I guess it's ordinary life driving me up the wall.

"If it's us…. Then we'll stop acting like that, okay? Just tell us the problem."

His serious face is so lovely I want to hold him right then and there. That was what I had intended to do in the first place…. If my heart hadn't wrenched so much. I can't do it to him… While knowing that Hyde will be around, going on scot-free. I can't. "….We'll discuss it later. Okay?"

"….Nnn?" He replies, sitting up even straighter. "When do you want to?"

"….Later. I'll come to your house… Okay?"

"……Okay." Tetsu finally smiles gently. "It's not that I'm trying to be mean… But you must realize that there's work too… If you are really troubled, let's work out a way to solve the problem."

There's no way we can ever work out a solution which satisfies me… .

But if they're together, so be it… .. .

"See you then." I usher him out of the house. "Expect me in an hours' time."

"Un," He replies, before going away on his merry way. I watch him disappear, and a tear runs down my cheek.. .. I don't even know why.

***

I wait. I believe Tetsu and Hyde will be waiting, too. Why not? I'm their trusted band mate; I'm vital to the band.

Of course, I won't have been vital to the band members themselves. And am not. Hyde is vital to Tetsu, of course.

It doesn't matter. Once they arrive, Hyde will never touch Tetsu again.

Instead of that pain, I feel a fire coursing through my insides, feeding, feeding on me mentally, trying to burn me from the already corroded insides. It's not going to hurt me anymore, because I have finally reached a point where I know what I want.

I don't want to be hurt. And still I love Tetsu. These two factors are almost impossible to be combined, because there is Hyde.

I'll never feel his warm embrace either, but knowing that Hyde will never touch Tetsu again…. ..Tetsu will be mine. He'll be mine.

And I wait. Finally, this waiting is over, for I stand at the door of the house. I've always liked Tetsu's house's exterior. Of course, the interior too. One room of it is very soundproofed—the one which Hyde and Tetsu were in the other time. I know that; because Tetsu told me before.

See… I remember what Tetsu said.

I will destroy this love which he and Hyde has. ….Even if it means he will never love me. It will not matter, because he doesn’t love me now.

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care….

Pressing the doorbell, anticipation fills me this time… Together with that burning sensation, which spreads throughout my body as if it is petroleum.

He opens the door, attempting a small smile. I return that smile; I've always loved his smiling face so much it aches my heart to even think about it… ..No. I don't want to be hurt anymore…. I don't.. ..

"Come on in," Tetsu invites, gesturing inside. "Hyde's there as well."

"Sorry to have disturbed," I murmur; not sure whether I am trying to be sarcastic or polite. Maybe both.

The next thing I see is that Hyde is sitting on the sofa. Tetsu smiles gently at him, and gestures for me to sit down beside their seats. He and Hyde will always sit together. They always did. ….I hate that.

"….Why did you act like that, Yuki?" Hyde asks.

Oh, he shouldn't have worried. "I'll show you," I darkly reply, grabbing his hand painfully. I've always wondered what it was like to hold it and twist it really hard, as I do right now. If I twist it harder, he can't touch Tetsu anymore. I can tell from his expression that it hurts, but he will not show it. Tetsu looks at him worriedly, then back at me, but says nothing. I guess they're shocked to know that I was watching them after all. "In that room."

Pulling him towards there, he has no choice but to follow my directions. Tetsu follows, looking worried. He might persuade me any second now, but I know I will not listen, because it is too late.

"Room…?" Hyde murmurs, his eyes widening. I smile. I always liked that expression, because he is supposedly so calm… And all. Is that what Tetsu likes about him? Well, he won't be calm later.

"Yuki….." Tetsu crosses his fingers. "You saw us the other day?"

"Not through the whole thing, duh." I give them my most bored expression. We stand at the entrance of the room, and then I pull Hyde in. "It would have been gross."

"…What do you want?" Tetsu looks cautious, as he steps in with Hyde as well. I don't move. He's smart. He knows I'm not my usual self. He understands me enough….

Then, reaching into my coat, I pull out a dagger. It's what my 'lover' brought back from France, deciding it was a novelty of all things, that brave knights used to go on quests with and all. (I had told her that knights carry more useful things, and she just smiled dreamily and said that I was too cynical.) I watch as Hyde's eyes widen again, as he hurriedly twists my hand away. I almost lose my grip and my balance; but I have my own strengths as well. Whoever asked him to stop practicing should be shot, or praised, depending on from whose point of view.

"Yuki! What—" Tetsu cries, rushing towards me, but I kick him away.

Before Hyde tries again, I hold him in a deadlock, my arm around his neck, wrenching as hard as I can. He makes slight choking sounds, struggling feebly as I shake the sheath of the dagger away from the blade, while trying to pin him down, as close to the ground as possible.

They should feel honored that I am going to kill them with a novelty item that brave knights carried.

"Close the door, Tetsu," I breathe, the dagger against Hyde's stomach, as I drag a huge line across. Blood comes out seeping through that dash, and Hyde whimpers, struggling more heavily this time, while I only pin him down tighter. "Or else."

Tetsu obeys, tears in his eyes. If I am in his shoes, I will be at a loss of what to do as well… But he can cry and cry and cry, and I will not care. He has hurt me enough. The two of them have hurt me enough, and they will pay.

…I know this is not much of a plan. Two against one. My falling in love and my intentions.

Hyde finally buckles enough to throw me off him momentarily, and he gasps, "Tetsu… Don't… Leave now!"

Immediately, I pin him back down. Using weight alone is not enough, because he has a few tricks. But so have I; kneading his backbone heavily helps my work. He groans in pain, before I have a hold of his neck again.

"Yuki! Let go of Hyde!" Tetsu commands. He still doesn't do anything, as if I might be one who is reasonable enough.

"There's only one thing I want, Tetsu. You. If you tie yourself to that door, I will let go of Hyde," I say, knowing that Tetsu will follow. He will sacrifice himself if it means Hyde will not get hurt. That's not a very smart decision, but I envy him for doing so.

Because I would rather sacrifice my love.

Am I a selfish person? Or am I just driven over the edge?

"And don't say there's no rope because I saw some marks on your wrists the other time," I snap. I think I have gone crazy… Am I? I don't know…. . "Use that knot which I taught you before, and throw four pieces onto the bed."

I love him so much still.

And how much I want to crush this writhing figure beneath me. Sobbing slightly, he pulls the ropes out of the drawer, and he doesn't try to cheat. I watch him as he throws the ropes as I instructed, and does every single step, looping it to the doorknob and to his own hands. That knot is impossible to unravel once it's tied; both Tetsu and I know.

That's why he's crying so much, I guess. I realize that Hyde has stopped his movements beneath me; looking weakly into nothing, his face a pale shade of blue.

Smiling coldly, knowing that Tetsu will not be able to reach me once he's bonded, I get off Hyde, but do not allow him enough time to move. He gasps for breath, as I throw him towards the bed, and tie his hand to the bedpost. It's hard to work alone, and I keep hitting him to make sure that he doesn't have the wits to struggle as I tie. Soon all his four limbs are bounded to the bed, and he can't move. He won't be able to move soon anymore, anyway.

I stare at his unflinching face, as he stares back at me, choking, "What do you want….?"

"I lied, Tetsu. I want to kill Hyde." I smile sadly at him, getting off Hyde's body. "I want him to pay for every moment which he touched you."

"… ……You… .You can't…" Tetsu gasps, sobbing harder. How much I want to hold him and tell him it's okay… He'll get over Hyde, he'll learn to love me.

"…I will. I love you, Tetsu," I murmur. "You'll love me once I kill him."

…..So many words which I wanted to tell him since so long ago it seemed like the beginning of time. And all of them come out warped, even right now.

"No… .Please don't…" He begs.

He loves him.

He loves him so much he is willing to risk his own life, by bounding himself instead.

…..I must kill Hyde. I must, or he'll never love me. Straightening myself, I leave his side. There's more important things to be done.. ..Should I kill Hyde, painfully or? Should I spare him the pain?

If I kill him painfully, I'll be nothing but a beast.

But haven't he hurt me so much all throughout the years? Haven't he taken Tetsu all through his years?

A small voice inside me seems to whimper. It seems to say, but he hasn't known. He hasn't known you loved Tetsu.

…He still hurt me. He still took Tetsu for himself, even though he is undeserving. If not for him, Tetsu would be mine. He'll be mine.

I will let Tetsu know.. …

Brandishing the knife as if it is a loved one, I look at it fondly while Tetsu screams in fear. "Stop.. .Stop! You mustn't….. ..!"

I look at him coldly. "No one will hear you, Tetsu. You said that you made this room soundproof. And I remembered, Tetsu. You can scream all you want… ..You can let Hyde know of your undying love while he dies slowly."

"… ..No…" Tetsu's face is still so lovely. …I love him… I love him so much my heart still hurts…

And I turn towards Hyde. He lays there, his eyes wide in horror, his hands trying to wring free, only to have more cruel marks on his pretty skin. I smile. "….The ambiance of that pale skin.. .Isn't it? I'll see how beautiful it is."

"No….!" Tetsu cries helplessly…. ..I love his tears… …

He'll never cry like that for me … .Never…. .

"Soon, it'll be over, Hyde." I laugh at that defiant face which looks up at me. Isn't this face the face which thousands of women love? Isn't this the face which charms Tetsu so much? Should I ruin…. No… .. I glance down at the pale skin, which seems to shine with a disgusting color. I despise that, having the thought that Tetsu should ever touch this skin with his lovely lips.

"….You're not Yuki." He says, his voice dripping.

"I am. This is myself. I have found what I am, right now." I will ruin it, so that Tetsu will never ever… ..

So that he'll be mine… .

Mine.

I climb onto his body, pressing against his frail skin. The blade of the dagger dips in slowly, as I watch his face twist in agony, as his voice seems to caress my ear as his normal vocal does. Such a lovely voice, isn't it? And more… And more…. .. And soon I find myself holding a bloody blade, looking into a skin crisscrossed with redness, redness which makes it seem more beautiful than I usually would deem it.

I laugh.

His eyes seem to fade. I haven't cut too far in, have I?

No… His chest is still heaving. It still hurts him so much to breathe with every breath he takes in. I know, because his cries have stopped. There is only Tetsu's sobbing in a corner, and his heavy breathing.

"Yuki…" Tetsu murmurs.

"You will… Love me…."

"Tetsu… ..Tetsu will never love you…" That cursed voice says, though with pain. "Tetsu….. . Tetsu…"

"Hyde…." His tears seem to echo with Hyde's voice. I stiffen, at this sound. This pained sound. He's crying because of Hyde. He needs to learn that Hyde will be gone soon. He needs to learn that he'll be mine…

Only mine….

He needs to learn. My own laughter seems to adorn their pained sounds. It doesn't make the atmosphere any more cheery, but I love this pain-filled existence. "Pearl-like curves of your closed eyelids, they're so peaceful even when there's tears… Because I know if you open them… I will let you find your own smile…? Isn't it? I'll let you never be able to find your smile, then. Even Tetsu will never…. Heh. Even if it's Tetsu. Even if you're Hyde."

"…I will find my smile, because he will only love me," Hyde seems to be unwavering. He breathes more painfully, but his eyes seem to shine with a triumph which I know I will never have.

Tetsu loves him.

…..He'll love me. He will learn.

He will….. .will… . I look at my blade, then back at Tetsu's pretty face. He's not looking at me anymore, or Hyde… I know he can't bear to.

A place in my heart says, I can't bear to see him like this….

But, now… I will… I will let this love of theirs wither. I will trample it as if it were a beautifully blooming flower…. ..Because it's what they are. It will fall without my trampling, anyway, because there's no such thing as eternity. It will die. The most beautiful things always do…

Just like this one over here, nee?

"Hmm…. . Pearl like curves?" I trace the tip of my knife against the bottom of his eyeballs, right beneath the closed curve of his eye. It starts to bleed slightly, as he cries out, quivering in fear.

"No… No!!!" Tetsu's screams seem so far away now.

"Isn't it for you… That I'm doing this?" I murmur, as I slide the blade in tighter.

"Ahh…. Ahh…..!" I can only hear my own smile reflected in this voice.

My dagger circles the eye one round, and I gouge in further. His eyes…

He stops struggling. Blood gushes out as I tip the eyeball almost perfectly, carefully not to crush it. It's white, and amazing that the blood doesn't seem to stain it quite so much.

"The other…" I murmur.

"Yuki…." Tetsu looks like he'd die any moment.

"The other…." Setting the white pearl-like eyeball onto the sheets, I dip my blade into the other. Soon, it comes out, blood seeming to flood the world of mine. I pick up the other, looking at them both. Such a grotesque sight, isn't it? I wonder what will people say if they see it?

"These are Hyde's eyes. Who will be the one to laugh in the end?" I smile, knowing that Hyde will never be able to see it. "That's for hurting me, Hyde, that's for tainting Tetsu's beauty every time."

"….You…. ." Blood comes gushing out of his mouth, as he speaks. "…Tetsu…. .. Tetsu…. … Tets…."

"So, how is it? Your 'dove's eyes', your 'pearl-like curves'?" I get off Hyde's body. The blood drips off me as I speak, and I lick my lips in anticipation. Tetsu won't love him anymore, will he? He's not beautiful, he's nothing but a mass of pained blood.

"….I'll never love you!" Tetsu screams, suddenly, as if his fire has been relit by some unknown source. It doesn't seem to come from himself…. .. "I hate you! I hate you! ….You beast!"

"…What did you say…" My face darkens, as I step in front of him, tilting up his face so that it faces mine. Holding out the hand in which the eyeballs lie, I make sure he sees it. "You won't love him. Just look. He's nothing now! He's not the beautiful Hyde whom everyone loves! What did you say? You'll never love him anymore!"

His lower lip trembles, as his pupils roll up to face me. They seem to penetrate me with their hate. "I love Hyde. I will never love you."

"Very well. I'll kill him, and I'll see if you love him any more."

"…….I love him…."

"….Te… …tsu…….." I hear Hyde speak, as I move closer, and plunge the knife down into his mouth. When I pull out, it only seems to bleed profusely, as his lips move in an incoherent attempt to speak.

"I love you too, Hyde… I love you…" Tetsu weeps, his eyes sliding close again. "I'm so sorry……."

How can he understand what Hyde is trying to say?!

No… .This can't be.. …

I brandish my blade onto his bleeding chest, and I pierce in through some more. His heart seems to stop bleeding. I think I pierced in through his lungs through the ribs… ..and I hear a slight gurgle. It seems blood has flooded his lungs by now, and gradually he stops moving.

I watch through all these.

There's no breathing… No nothing, only the pain of the sound of silence.

Even Tetsu has stopped crying.

"….Tetsu, do you love me now?" I ask, looking up almost pleadingly, my own self stained with blood. Somewhere deep inside cries out that I don't want to be angered again. Because I know, I'll never be able to stop once I start. "… ..Do you?"

He doesn't say a word. His eyes have opened, but he doesn't say a word. Instead, they stare vacantly, like Hyde's, up at me, accusingly.

"You….You don't love me?" I think I feel tears flow down onto my cheek. I'm so bloodied; they could have been blood tears for all I knew. I approach him, and tilt up his chin with my own hand, seeing my hand stain that lovely paleness as well. "Do you?"

Somewhere deep inside, I'm so scared.

Somewhere deep inside, I'm crying out.

Somewhere deep inside, I'm afraid that the part of me which cries out will die away, like the me who used to love Tetsu with all my heart and wished him and Hyde all the best, even if I suffered.

Then he smiles. Strands of hair cover his eyes, and stay plastered to his face. I want to brush them away, so that they won't obscure his lovely eyes. He smiles victoriously, as if he was a winner. He parts his lips, and I hear him speak.

I'm so scared…. Of what he will say.

"I will never, ever, love you." These words are said decisively, and then he laughs, upon seeing my frozen expression.

He will never love me?

"Hurt me, why don't you? You killed Hyde. You're a beast who's just hungry for blood. You think that is love, but in reality you just want to kill in the name of love." He spits cruelly, his usually gentle smile twisted with that ugly one of triumph. "I love that bloody mess over there. I love Hyde. I will never love you, murderer."

… ..I just want to kill in the name of love? He loves Hyde? …..He sees me as nothing but a murderer…..?

"…You don't understand.. ..You don't.. .You don't…..!" I cry out in anguish, suddenly, taking the dagger in my hand and piercing it through him, pulling it out again and piercing… and pulling. "You don't! Even you don't!"

Blood flows out, his precious blood. It's the total opposite of Hyde's; so refined, so beautiful in its redness. I watch, intrigued.

I watch with a pain in my heart, as I feel myself die out thoroughly with the embrace of this blood.

"…You don't…. Understand." He replies, blood trickling to his chin from his lips. "….Love…"

It seems that there is tears in his eyes as he speaks. I know he's not grieving for himself, I think… .Maybe I understand those tears. He's grieving at why things have to end this way.

So am I.

"You….. You'll…. never… …own… my heart…." He says, his voice gradually blurring as his lungs fill up with blood as well. "I love…. .. .Hyde…"

I will, Tetsu… I will. I laugh insanely. "You think I won't?"

He shakes his head sadly. "….I …Pity you… ..If you didn't kill Hyde….. .I won't have hated… ..You."

He pities me?

No.. .. This can't be. "You lie! You love me!"

He doesn't speak anymore, leaving for me to judge it by myself.

…..He'll never love me.

His hand reach out in the direction of Hyde's, in the direction of that bloody mass on that bed, and he whimpers in pain, like a dying animal yearning for the last glimpse at life. Hyde… Is his life…..

"No… …… ." I murmur, as I kick him with all my might. "Don't!"

He still reaches towards Hyde, as he glances up at me, painfully, as he fades away.

…….No more.

One last moment, he stops moving, one hand tied to the doorknob, the other falling down limply, and his whole being seems to have collapsed.

… …It hurts so much…. .

"Tetsu….Tetsu!" I cry. "….Don't leave me….Tetsu!"

……..He'll never love me, regardless?

Looking down at him, my tears freeze and I smile. I will own his heart. I will.

Untying him from the doorknob, the only position which supports him against gravity, I let him fall, so that he lies down like Hyde does. And I sear in deeply, with my trusty dagger, into his chest, into what I think is his heart. It still beats faintly, as it sees the light, through the broken ribs and torn flesh.

But it stops moving as I dig it out, and hold it to my chest for a moment.

God, I love him so much….. .

I never wished to kill him, or Hyde.

But now…..

I think I have gone numb, as I stare at his beauty, like shards of a broken mirror. His eyes stare back lifelessly, like that scary vacant of Hyde's.

I love him.

For one last time, I hold him close to myself, letting my soul bathe in his blood.

…..So lovely.

And then, rather regretfully, I get up, away from his ruins, away from Hyde's, and take Hyde's eyes and Tetsu's heart with me.

I take a bath in their bathroom, together with these vital organs. The tub is big; it seems like a great place for them to spend their nights together in. I take my bloodied clothes, too, and my dagger, and put them in a bag, ready to burn them in the forest on my way back. I make sure that I have all the surfaces which I touched wiped clean. My traces are all gone.

I approach the closet in the next room, careful not to tread on their blood as I walk.

Such a romantic couple.…. .

I try not to look at Tetsu again, afraid that I will have the urge to hold him once more.

Looking through their closet, I realize that there are many clothes for me to wear. Tetsu likes the same brands as I do. The size is not much of a problem; except that he's a bit fatter than I am. I touch them, gently, and then refrain from taking them. It's just… So….

Him.

I take a yellow shirt, which I think no one will notice as his, and a pair of leather pants. They fit me fine; not perfectly. Just fine.

Then I take two glass bottles from the kitchen, making sure that they are as small as possible. In one lies Hyde's eyes, in the other Tetsu's heart. I pour vinegar in.

And I take them away, with me.

Tetsu'll love me forever…. See?

***

I drive home, stopping on the way to dispose of the things, and make sure that I keep their organs properly. I realize that Ken had been trying to call me a couple of times, and I call him back—after making sure that I am well prepared enough. It seems like he's suffering another quarrel with his beloved and wants another drink trip with me. He never asks Hyde or Tetsu for this; because he knows they are a couple and will always be shiawase.

I gladly go with him, every time, because I feel no different from him, like a loser in love.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am, after all, a total loser.

***

The news of their deaths hit Ken hard. It had been late afternoon that I went out with Ken, and since then, we drank and ate sushi at a sushi bar, and then went around town for a few more drinks.

I'm careful to not drink so much, because I am afraid of what I will say.

But I know he's drunk himself into bits, and it doesn't matter what he has to say to me.

He only stares vacantly at me, the same expression which Tetsu had when Hyde was dying…. .. And he asked, "why?".

I want to tell him that there is no 'why' in this world.

If only….. ..Tetsu had said he loved me…… .

News came out hard and fast, around the whole of Japan. We shun the media, as the police take their investigations. Ken vouches that he was with me whole day, and I can't say much myself. It's not that I'm afraid that if I lie, I will be found out… rather, because of that empty feeling inside me….. .

Seeing my expression, some people avoid me and some people take care of me.

I think they misunderstand….. .

Time goes by quickly. The reporters press us, at the funeral. We made a private and public affair separately. It's amazing how many people cry for them, so harshly, as they did at hide's.

Some of them even vow to avenge them… But do they know enough to?

Sometimes….. Time just passes by so fast.

I think Ken has been hit harder than I am. Even I who did it, feel it with my being, as if I'm a washed out stone lying by the river. Waiting, patiently, for someone to pick me up, but never being picked up, and always, always being hit upon by the scary waters.

I think I cried myself to sleep one night. Ken was sleeping with me, because both of us are afraid. The police sent people to look after us, but they don't know what I meant by afraid. 

And time passes by.

***

They said it would rain whenever someone precious died.

I don't see any rain this day, and Tetsu is my most precious.

If it rained, I could sense why it did.

But… It didn't. … It's still as sunny as the winter sky could be. It's so cheerful that it reminds me of New Year's day... Why?!

This world is evil….

The procession began some time back, and right now we're all standing in front of the cradle… Tetsu's last cradle, Hyde's last grave… .

I still think he's so beautiful, lying right there. He no longer looks horrified; so peaceful, like his smile…. Even though he's no longer smiling, he's as constant as the northern star or something equivalently bright… . They have red velvet inside that cradle…. I'd always thought red suited Tet-chan.

His blood has been cleaned already some time before, too. And he's wearing a white gown… That doesn't suit him… .. Even if he looks like the angel he is…. … So lovely.

My Tetsu. Mine.

I don't want to remember the other coffin, so dank and gray and as perfect.

I don't want to…. .. But it's still there. That didn't change this time.

I refuse to look at that… Only at my Tetsu… … .. . They say it is the last time I'll ever see him?

So confused…. My heart is so confused…

I don't really care, I guess. He's still so beautiful…

Ken stands leaned against me, his face buried in my shoulder. It's a strange feeling; he's so tall. It's so different from my Tetsu. And he's crying. Ken didn't cry during the funeral procession. Maybe he had been meaning to keep it inside his heart. All he did was murmur pained whimpers, asking "Why? They never did anything to deserve this. They never hurt anyone so badly that they ought to be killed this way. Who is the person who killed them?!"

I didn't have any answer then. And I don't think I can tell him now.

Anyway, it's my own secret. My dark secret, the secret which only I will understand…. .

Ken's tears seep into my shirt, my shoulder... It's almost as if there's a crack there, waiting for all of his tears to flow in, and flow and flow and flow.. .. .. and flow. .

And fill me up. ... .

That empty part of me. ... ..

Tetsu. ... .. You said I would never own your heart...?

I do now, don't I? I own what you love.. .. Your beloved's eyes.. ..

Tetsu, speak to me… … ..

Why is there only emptiness gnawing at me? Why? .. ….. Wake up… And smile at me…. .

I own your heart…. .

It's right here, Tetsu, don't you see?

My fingers enclose around the glass jars I have hidden in my pockets. They're small, and winter wear is always good for hiding things. Guns, drugs… ..glass jars….

I own your heart… ..

Is that enough?

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, September 18, 2000 7:15:29 AM

Notes: FINALLY! ^^; I'm owing my English teacher a book review on this! …*sweatdrop* like…twenty minutes to do it before I go to school… Mwaha^^;

Muah Mr Tay I love you! (joking) --> lack of sleep

Hope you enjoy it… No seriously…mwaha. ^^; Comments please email me!

-hidoko Matsumoto

hidoko@hotmail.com

http://xz0ne.cjb.net