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Saturday, 14 April 2001 11:50:05 PM
hidoko Matsumoto
for kirito
special thanks to snow
Linernotes:
Black, grey, white. Illusion, ?, reality.
The little boy
closed his eyes, as he fell into the chasm of endless darkness. There was
nothing, only something so deep that he couldn't fathom its true self.
"What is this?"
Something had
appeared, out of the nothingness. As he reached out, something caught his
fingers. He could see it clearly now: it was a spider, and he was trapped
in a spider web. His lips were parted in a silent scream as thin thread
cocooned around him, trapping him into the vast darkness, forever and ever….
When he woke up,
his eyes adjusted to the normal picture of the dimly lit room where the
familiar night light shone onto the surface of everything.
"……" He allowed
himself to heave a breath of relief. Then he said, to confirm the fact
that he could, in fact, speak, "I'm alive."
Yes, I am.
He laughed in triumph. His laughter covered up the sombre atmosphere which
had been developed by the shadowing nightmare. God, and to think I was
so scared….
He allowed his
fingers to travel over his own face, as if to confirm his existence. He
fell back onto the pillow, brushing the hair, which was plastered onto
his face, away, and then hewent back to sleep, refusing to think of anything
in the process.
And this time,
he didn't dream.
existence
The petite man sat
on the staircase, one of his legs propped up and the other resting against
the stairs. His head was lowered, yet even under the shadow of his fringe,
his eyes pierced through the sunglasses that he wore.
A brunette stepped
forward. The sunglasses didn't hide the shining radiance from his eyes.
A mobile phone hung down onto his flat chest, where it flowed down in a
fluid shape towards a thin waist and slender hips. He donned a black jacket,
white T-shirt, and long pants.
"Ossu."
The former glanced
up, raven curls sliding off his shoulders as he lifted his head. He didn't
say a word as he lifted a corner of his lips. The latter laughed, walking
a distance away from him. They disappeared in the streets, among the crowd.
The sun hung overhead,
its radiant light piercing through the clouds.
The raven-haired
man was named Hyde, and the brunette was Tetsu.
Hyde was petite.
His eyes were large, almond-shaped with double-lids, and there was a defiant
expression which showed in his pupils. His long sleeved shirt was purple,
unbuttoned on the top, and leather pants clung onto his shapely legs.
Tetsu was taller,
but was even more slender than Hyde. His eyes were wide, not as wide as
Hyde's but seemed to gather every ray and reflect them in one brilliant
glimmer. The black jacket was of polyester material, and the shirt of cotton.
There was a clover printed on it. A doll-like smile hung on his face, so
tight and pristine that he could have been made of porcelain.
Step by step they
advanced forward, until they reached the destination—a studio. The set
was almost set up, and there they were dolled up till their beautiful faces
were flawless. Then, Hyde, being the more seductive one, sat in the set.
The scene was in a classroom, and he wore a school uniform of unknown badge.
His pencil box sat on the table, and he chewed on his pen, looking troubled.
Tetsu came in, closing the door behind him. He wore a white shirt, black
pants, and had glasses on, like a lecturer.
"How's your work,
Kousuke?"
"Cut!" The director
yelled. Immediately the brunette looked guilty. "If we can't get past this
stage, I'm going to give up on you both! You sound like you're at a doctor's!"
"I'm sorry," Tetsu
hastily apologised.
The grumpy director
motioned for them to carry on.
By the next day,
they had finished with the first scene. Tetsu came in, asked Hyde about
his work and offered to teach. Then he seduced him.
Hyde had become
a master by the time they finished the entire act, and Tetsu had gotten
used to it. The two of them writhed in front of the camera as if they were
the only ones in a love hotel. It was all moans, hips, thighs, sweat, rhythm,
and they weren't anything but animals.
The director was
satisfied and they got paid. Everyone got to go home in time because they
were good actors.
When the VHS came
out, Tetsu got a copy and invited Hyde over to watch. Hyde declined, saying
that he had a copy too. At the end of it, Tetsu could only find himself
laughing with a helplessness at the scenes.
There wasn't a
true meaning in that laughter. The two of them celebrated the success at
a bar, got drunk and hooked up by somebody, and were split up. At the end
of the next morning, Tetsu woke up in an unknown place with strange memories
of himself having sex with three others—two girls and one man. He didn't
remember enjoying it; he felt weird. The person who offered him his drink
must have drugged him.
For nights that
stretched on later, he had the dream of that spider again. The spider was
eating him, swallowing him, digesting him, and no matter how he tried,
his screams came out as silent. He woke up to a cold sweat every time;
it wouldn't have surprised him if he truly became nothing one day.
Oasis
"We'll celebrate
our success by ourselves this time," Hyde said over the phone, and invited
him over to his place. Tetsu wanted to ask if the same thing happened to
him, but refrained. He didn't want to talk about it.
The things that
Tetsu always loved most, at Hyde's place, were the blue walls and the blue
glass pieces that were hung at the window. When one was there, one would
feel as if he was truly a part of the sky.
What everyone wanted
most was the thing that were so far away.
They took a few
drinks, but were still left sober.
As they stared
out of the window, the clear blue shone in like the sky, reflecting everything
in a heaven of vivid dreams.
"…Why do we celebrate
by getting drunk?"
Hyde turned to
glance over at Tetsu, a smile on his lips. "Because… We want to forget
reality."
"…aa…."
Hyde lay back,
and closed his eyes. Tetsu rested his head against the brunette's chest,
so that he could hear his heart beat.
"When we become
rich, and famous, what do you wanna do?"
"…I'll do drugs."
"…n?"
Hyde giggled upon
hearing that surprised tone."….Because," he wondered if Tetsu could hear
the hopelessness in his voice, "I wouldn't have anywhere
to go anymore. issai ga nai… nai."
Tetsu's fingers
trailed towards Hyde's hair and caressed his cheeks."……….I think I understand…."
his voice trailed off, lifting his head so that his eyes were transfixed
on Hyde's warm brown ones. "Hyde…"
"…un."
"…Don't lose your
way." He had sounded so hopeful that Hyde laughed helplessly.
"…..Humans have
all lost their way—"
"Only you
have lost your way," he corrected. "You'll find what you want, no matter
how hopeless it seems to be."
Hyde could only
smile. Maybe, you're right…But for me, I'll never be able to truly want
anything.
Tetsu kissed him
on his lips gently, and resumed lying on his chest. The two of them fell
asleep, in the warmth of the heavenly rays.
Black, grey, white.
Since there wasn't
time to brush his teeth, he simply bought a cup of tea and gurgled in it.
The early morning wasn't exactly his time of the day.
When I become
rich and famous, I will…create a world for Hyde and me. He thought,
smiling. It was a nice notion early morning. There has to be more than
nothing in this world… There's still dreams.
He was supposed
to receive his script that day, and there was a meeting with the director.
He hadn't been partnering with Hyde since the first video. And he wasn't
so sure if he wanted to anymore.
If they acted together
again, he wasn't sure if he knew what to think. There was only so much
as a thin line between love and desire.
Indeed, dreams
existed.
Indeed, there
had to be an oasis in the desert.
It was because
humans needed it.
It didn't matter,
if everything is but an imagination, because they needed a truth to cling
on.
And that is
the ultimate truth.
The spider was
crawling.
He wanted to
scream, wanted to scream so much that the desire to express fear alone
was enough to rip him apart.
False… False.
Only the existence
of lies is truth.
Illusion
When he took over
the script, there was an expression of indifference. Yet as they were acting
it out, he was filled with discomfort. The outline was that he was going
to rape somebody, leaving her in shock, and somebody else was going to
fuck her to save the day.
As they acted it
out, he felt disgusted. He couldn't do it.
But he did. Dreams
were motivating enough.
A twisted expression
rode his features as he tore savagely at her, who screamed and cried. It
seemed so real, even if it was in front of a camera, even if it was a simple
act that would feed peoples' sadistic streaks.
When he closed
his eyes, he felt so ugly, so corroded. The only stream of light that he
could hold on to was his dream.
"I'm not doing
porn anymore," Hyde told him.
"We started out
together," he protested. He felt as if he was left to be alone all of a
sudden.
"I don't want to
think of myself as nothing but an exhibition," Hyde whispered in his ear.
"The truth is, I can't live anymore if I start to reduce to that in my
mind's eye."
He felt like he
was about to break. His voice came out in shivering breaths, "but… what
about me?"
"Don't you have
your dreams?" Hyde asked him, a twinkle in his eyes. "I don't have
any. You do. There is nothing but myself in my own world, besides
a vast emptiness."
Tetsu couldn't
speak, as he pulled Hyde into his embrace and held him tightly. Hyde simply
gathered him closer, and kissed him. They couldn't let go of each other;
instead their kiss grew deeper and deeper. There wasn't any camera in front,
but his expression was so real that it scared him.
The truth was,
Hyde was his dream. He felt like a little child who was left alone to die
in a spider's web.
Hyde used to
be a metalhead who couldn't see more than three feet away in the murky
vision that he saw. After all, he was so blocked by himself.
Tetsu was a
beautiful boy who grew up seeing the world through a kaleidoscope.
The first time
Tetsu met Hyde was at the aquarium. They were both high school students
then, young and immature and full of innocence.
"I didn't ask
to come with you," Hyde was quarrelling with his mother, who looked bewildered
and shamed as she yelled back at him.
The thing that
Tetsu noticed about Hyde was that he was simply atrocious.
"Then you can
go home by yourself."
"Yeah, I don't
mind."
She got so angry
that she did turn around and leave him, probably figuring that he was old
enough to make his way back later.
"Fine, you fucking
bitch," He murmured as soon as she left. Raising his gaze, he saw the awkward-looking
Tetsu who stood at a corner. His brows furrowed and raised, then he approached
Tetsu.
What happened
was, Tetsu ended up letting this stranger stay in his home. There was something
about this stranger that he couldn't see in others, and that made him more
than a stranger. It was a defiance and a sense of loss, that lingered in
the pupils of his eyes.
They started
out as friends. Hyde got dumped, stole into his room, forced him into sex,
and the next thing he knew, everything changed.
Affection grew
so much until it was ready to consume him, but there was still a hint of
hope that both of them could see. That was the innocence of youth. Hyde
never went back to Wakayama after all.
Tetsu flunked
high school because he had to work to support both Hyde (who played in
a band) and himself, so both of them came out to play in a band. Pretty
soon they were forced to leave because the scene was so flooded with Indies
bands that the two of them couldn't afford it anymore.
They were invited
to star together by a friend's friend—in their first video.
Having come all
the way, this illusion was shattering.
It broke, leaving
a vast piece of emptiness.
Reality.
The video replayed
in his lonely apartment; its changing light shone onto the shiny floor.
Tetsu could see his own distorted expression, and as he sat there watching
through the shots of flesh semen and lips, that reflected deep inside.
It was a basic
ugliness that he saw in himself, being degraded into mere sin now that
his dream was gone.
It wasn't like
that truly. The idea of himself doing it alone was scaring him.
To him, even though
Hyde had always been the more empty one, he had always been the stronger
one. It was he himself who had to mask everything up in dreams that was
weak. They had started out together, and even though they went on their
separate ways, the fact that Hyde was there elsewhere doing the same thing
made him feel safe.
Now that Hyde decided
that he couldn't.. What could he do?
Switching off the
VHS player, he found himself at a loss. Maybe he could get some wine. It
would indeed help him to forget, anyway he didn't have to buy much. He
had a poor alcohol intake capacity; three quarters of a sake bottle could
get him stinking drunk.
There was a Seven
Eleven that sat four streets away. It was one-thirty in the morning and
he couldn't sleep anyway. A night walk could do him some good, he thought.
So he opened the
door, put on his shoes, and stepped outside.
The night air was,
indeed, satisfying.
He found himself
on a stroll, as he reached the Seven Eleven. Some thugs were there, arguing
with the tenin about stealing six-packs.
Tetsu realised
that he didn't need to get drunk after all the walk, so he retreated back
into the streets. He found himself staring at the night sky as he strolled
back.
He found himself
dreaming of Hyde.
Suddenly headlights
could be seen in the empty street that he was walking along. He turned,
and walked towards the left so that they could pass him without knocking
him down, but they didn't. Instead the lights shone in his direction and
motorcycles surrounded him.
One, two. Three
were in a car.
The five gangsters
surrounded him, as he tried to shield his eyes from the ravaging light.
"We've seen you
before. Aren't you a star?"
"A porn star."
"We saw you in
a video where you raped this woman."
"A fucking bitch."
Tetsu found himself
swallowing nervously, and backed against the wall, but they advanced too.
There was no way that he could escape, he realised, as it occurred to him
that they were probably the ones whom he saw at Seven Eleven.
"Humans have
all lost their way—"
"Only you
have lost your way."
"Now the rapist
is going to be raped."
Jeering laughter
sounded as hands shoved him down onto the cold leather seat, pinning him
down. Tears flooded his eyes as reality replayed the video, with him as
the lead character this time.
Even if it was
all an act, he was getting punished for something he haven't done.
Even though he
cried, his tormentors thought he deserved it. He cried for help, for
anyone to help him. He tried to pull himself away from the hands which
held him down. But each time he cried, with heavy fists he was beaten,
until he was reduced to mere whimpers. Teardrops fell, as his black jacket
was stripped from him, with every piece of cotton that lay on his skin
was ripped off. One of their hands groped him carelessly.
"This is so fun,
we should do it again."
"Yeah!"
A fingertip traced
onto his cheek, scratching it so that he bled.
"No…" He murmured
in horror, as intruding fingers probed in, as violating kisses degraded
him to the prostitute that he was. From his neck to his chest, till it
reached his lower body, a white-hot fire engulfed him.
"He is a
slut."
"You're enjoying
it too, aren't you?"
"My, you are
well endowed. No wonder they hired you."
"…Slut."
More laughter pierced
through him.
What burned inside
of him was only fear, only humiliation as they entered him painfully, as
they forced themselves onto him while threatening more blows if he resisted.
Just like how it
had been in front of the camera, he writhed and whimpered and cried out,
and just like it was in front of the camera, life's scenes never stopped
reeling on.
The laughter and
the faces of his tormentors all twisted and distorted, while he sobbed
silently. It was but a mere game for them which they would triumph in.
But to him, the
whole world had crashed in.
When they left
him alone was when they started dressing. The air smelled of sex, just
like how it would have been in a prostitute's room. When they were fully-clothed,
they threw him out of the car, followed by his clothes.
……It ended.
Finally, it ended.
The person who
lay there wretched on the cold asphalt was nothing more than a quivering
mess of human meat.
Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?, reality. Illusion, ?………
1984, 'Room 101'.
The beautiful boy
with dark features watched his companion with sorrowful eyes, as if grieving
that such a thing should happen.
"….When we asked
him what was one plus one…" The nurse was saying, "…He said, 'nai'."
"nai ka…" His brows
furrowed, and his gaze met the floor. When he lifted those dark pupils,
he didn't appear to be seeing anything. "…about his physical conditions…?"
"The tissues of
his rectum have been badly damaged, and he is still recuperating."
"….Thank you."
He wasn't paying much attention now, as he moved towards the bed. The nurse
watched from a side, then turned to leave upon deciding that the patient
was safe.
"What is one plus
one?" The raven-haired's eyes were full of grief.
"nai," Those
large, shining eyes were filled with a deluded innocence.
"….." He shook
his head, a sad smile on his lips. "Do you remember me?"
"omae ga nai."
"…."
"ore mo nai."
A teardrop fell
from the boy's cheeks, as he kissed the brunette gently. "issai wa sonzai
shiteiru demo nai yo."
"nande mo nai."
Once again, he
was a mere little boy.
There was nothing
but a vast darkness that stretched on mercilessly, until he noticed a thin
thread that hung before him. When he traced it, he realised that it was
linked to other threads, so that a web was formed.
As he looked
up, something was in the middle of this existence.
The spider crawled
towards him, and it was then that he realised that he was caught on the
web.
"No! No!" He
cried, struggling, but threads cocooned around him, until he was like a
larva. He was screaming, but he was deaf to his own sound. He was thrashing,
but in truth he could no longer move.
Everything closed
in on him. He could feel the spider sink its teeth onto him, as he was
suffocating to death, as he was torn apart.
The beauty of
everything was that it was nothing.
He finally realised
it, as those fangs sank into him, as he was torn from limb to limb and
devoured… as everything faded to black…
….he was nothing.
Sunday, 15 April 2001 10:30:01 PM